Rescue Your Family--The Book!

Friends,

I'm so pleased to announce the release of my latest book, Rescue Your Family. I may have mentioned before that I'm an author of young adult fiction. My collection of published books can be found on my web site, www.juliemusil.com.

This latest book is unique for me, as it's non-fiction. It's my own deeply personal story that you've read on this blog.

It's been many months since I've posted here. During that time we sold our old home, moved in with my sister, then bought our new home and settled in. All while continuing to lead and direct three of the finest people I know--my sons. It's been quite a year.

With my latest book release comes a whole lot of hope--hope that you or someone you know will be blessed by it. Hope that it'll find its way into the hands of the spouse who's hurting and confused. Hope that it'll reach someone who's on the fence about leaving their family, and persuade them to stay and rescue what seems lost.

Won't you help me help others? Share the book. Share my story. Share the hope.

Click below to download a copy!

Amazon
Barnes and Noble
iTunes

Until next time...

Forgetting the Past

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Is it truly possible to forget the past?

There are images, words, and sounds I wish I could erase from my mind and never, ever have them return. Like a cool sci-fi movie, where only the good memories remain.

But if the ugly stuff from our past was completely erased, wouldn't we also erase our ability to learn from that past? Wouldn't we lose our humility that's gained from making mistakes? Wouldn't we lose the desire to help others who are going through what we've gone through in the past?

Oftentimes, those ugly images and words pop up to the surface of my mind. And if I'm feeling especially low, or if I'm tired, those words and images stay and grow. They become bigger-than-life monsters that feed my fears, doubts, and insecurities.

There's a Bible story about Paul, formerly Saul, who did some horrible things to other people in his past. How often did those words, sounds, and images haunt him? He was a regular guy, like the rest of us, so of course they must've surfaced from time to time.

I'm so thankful he gives us this advice in Phil. 3:13:

"...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..."

When I'm stuck in the "past cycle," I've learned to recite this verse again and again. Only then am I able to change the channel of my mind, so to speak, and look ahead. 

It isn't easy, especially when certain things smack me in the face every day.

The past is a powerful and destructive drug, constantly drawing us in. And just like a hit of meth or heroine, we reach for more. With each hit, we spiral downward. 

Learning from the past is good. Helping others as a result of our painful past is also good. But marinating on a painful past doesn't serve any good purpose.

For me, forgetting the past is a daily thing. When I look forward to what lies ahead, I have hope. I'm encouraged by the small new things that have already begun.

If you have a painful past, my hope and prayer is that you'll change the channel on those memories when they threaten to drag you down. It's difficult, and it won't happen all in one day. But we can discipline ourselves to not stay in that dark place.

Instead, look forward to what lies ahead. 

Until next time...

Change Your "Why?" to "How?"

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Every once in a while, I read something that literally drops my jaw. Such was the case when I read, "Ask God How, Not Why" by Laura Story, author of "When God Doesn't Fix It."

If you're going through something--or have gone through something in your past--that does not make any sense at all, I urge you to read through the entire post. If your mind is open, the post will drop your jaw, too.

Story suggests an exercise. Take a sheet of paper and write down all your "Why" questions. I have a list of Why questions that I've marinated on in the past. You have your own Why questions. Then she suggests you flip the page and write some How questions.

I love the metaphorical act of flipping the page. It's as if we're saying, "Ok, I have lots of Why questions. Now I'm switching from the Why. I'm moving on to How."

She gives a list of suggested How questions, but you can make up your own. Her suggestions were enough to blow me away.

I highly recommend you do this. No matter what difficulty you're going through, I promise, this exercise will help you. Because my guess is this: what you're going through does NOT compute!

But here's where my jaw dropped. Story says this in closing:

God is good. He knows what, with His help, we can handle and where we most need to see His work. It's easy to sign up for a short-term mission project or donate money to a building campaign at church. And it's true; we can see God working in those places. But would you be willing to sign up for the brokenness in your life, if you knew your brokenness would bring glory to God and enable you to learn to trust Him in everything? We're tempted to measure our circumstances on the world's scale, but God's economy uses God-sized scales. His story is so much bigger than ours, and one day when we see it in totality, we'll have all the answers we desire.

Whoa! What? Check out the area I highlighted. I did sign up for a short term mission project. I do donate money to the church for building campaigns. But would I have signed up for the brokenness in my life to glorify God and learn to trust Him in everything? 

No way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I never would've signed up for it. But I do see how it's working for my good. Truly. Pain has a way of changing people--for better or worse. For me and my sons, it's changing us for the better. That's because God is in it, working, changing, transforming. 

Do yourself a favor: read the post, do the exercise, and let your mind wander from Why to How. 

Until next time...

Give It a Rest

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I'd just experienced a rough couple of days, and was feeling a bit raw and vulnerable. I was reading through my devotionals, which is now my morning routine. 

Joyce Meyer's app, one of my favorites, had posted the following verse. If you're struggling with anything--if you're feeling tired, if your emotions are like a runaway train, if you're wondering "when will this stop??"--I encourage you to read this verse slowly. Savor every single word.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. --Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

When I read this verse, it was like sinking into a hot bubble bath. 

Deep breath. 
Slow exhale. 
Ahh. 

"Unforced rhythms of grace" is so beautiful, isn't it?

It's moments like these when I'm reminded that it's ok that I don't have the answers. It's ok that I'm not wise enough on my own. It's ok that I make a zillion mistakes every day. It's ok. I'm learning the unforced rhythms of grace. 

Grace = unmerited favor. Grace means God fills in my gaps. He walks beside me and protects me and my sons. He comforts me through His presence, or through the presence of others. He's straightening my path.

When He says "Come to me," I must remember that He's not saying, "Come to me when you've got your act together." Or, "Come to me when you're not a jerk." Or, "Come to me when you do everything right." He wants me to come to Him, just as I am. Cracks, warts, sharp edges and all.

If you're anything like me, you try to figure everything out on your own. You try to plan for every contingency. You try to guard yourself against calamity. For decades, I paid for insurance for anything I could insure, and yet I couldn't insure against pain and heartache.

That was my way. And my way doesn't work. I'm slowly learning to do things His way.

Whatever it is you're going through, my hope and prayer is that you'll come to Him and find rest.

Until next time...

Who Encourages the Encourager?

(Photo credit: Christi Gee. Her post "Dear Encourager--3 Things We Want You to Know" is a must read! Such beautiful encouragement for encouragers)

Through this blog, I recently helped myself. Sounds strange, right? Let me explain.

I'd just experienced a very, very bad day. The day before it had been rough as well. The day before, my ex and I had exchanged cruel and heated words. I walked around in a daze, thinking, "Seriously, God? This is what I get? This is how I'm treated? You're joking, right?" The following day, some other stuff happened that left me reeling and traumatized. (Shout out to my sister who dropped everything and comforted me when I needed her the most. My family is amazing.)

Some days I'm strong and kind. Other days I'm weak and cruel. This process of changing from the inside out is not smooth. It's jagged, prickly, and painful.

Anyway, that night the boys and I were decorating our Christmas tree, knowing it would be our last time in this home. They knew what had happened that day and the day before, and we made a pact to put it behind us and have fun. We laughed, we danced, we sang Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. It's as if we were punching difficulty in the face, saying, "Take that!"

After the boxes had been put away, and after the house lights were turned off and only the lights from the tree were glowing, we eventually settled back into our nightly routines. My son sat on one couch, I sat on another. While he checked his phone, I checked my emails.

Sitting in my inbox were my own words from this blog: "After the Drought." I schedule these posts ahead of time, so I'd forgotten about it. I read through my own words, feeling encouraged and strengthened. After experiencing a rough couple of days, this post reminded me that it's temporary. It's seasonal. We won't only survive this turmoil, we'll thrive in the midst of it.

It was a fresh reminder of the roller coaster experience. Up some days, down on others. But on that night, I was thankful for this blog. I was thankful for God's gentle reminder to smile during the roller coaster ride. Yes, I may sometimes get bugs in my teeth, but isn't that better than the alternative? Riding a roller coaster with white-knuckled fear, snarling through the drops, is not a good way to live life. That is not my destiny.

Some days, we're able to encourage others. Other days, we need encouragement. On that day, I was both the encourager and the encouraged. Life is so strange and beautiful.

My hope and prayer is that this blog is helping others. I'm trusting that God is sending the right people here; the people who need it. Heck, even if you're just curious to see how a girl with a wonky situation is doing life on a crazy faith journey. Whatever your reason for reading, I thank you. 

I know one thing for sure--it's helping me.

Until next time...

After the Drought

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In the beginning of a major life trial, we do all that we can to simply survive. Got out of bed today? Check. Loved on my sons and encouraged them? Check. 

Survival equals success on those days. If you're still in survival mode, I strongly encourage you to read James MacDonald's post about Survival.

Thankfully there came a point in my life when I no longer considered it a success to simply survive. No. My definition of success has changed. I'm committed to not only surviving, but thriving. 

Tough times can be described as the wilderness, a valley, a storm. Even a drought. During the drought, we thirst for radical change in our circumstances. We long for desperately needed rain to pour down and quench our parched souls.

I listened to a message by Steven Furtick, entitled Coming Out of the Drought. It was such a great reminder that dry spells don't last forever. During a drought, Furtick points out that we will likely battle enemies like invisibility, insignificance, and intimidation. But hang in there. Rain is coming.

I'm now on a path that I never would've been on had my life gone according to my plan. But you know what? I like this road. I like this me. And even though I face a lot of unknowns, I'll be ok. My sons will be ok. Better than ok...thriving.

If you're in the middle of your desert right now--or your wilderness, or your valley, or your storm--hang in there. Cherish each small cloud that promises rain. Rejoice in every drop of moisture that lands on your tongue. 

Droughts don't last forever. Eventually, rain pours down and quenches what had seemed unquenchable.

"...there is a sound of abundance of rain." 1 Kings 18:41

Until next time...

Thankful for the White Space

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I read a story by Christine Caine, where she talked about one of her experiences at University. Her professor stood before an expansive white board. With a black marker, he drew a small dot in the center of the board. Then he asked the class, "What do you see?"

"A black dot," they answered. Again he asked, "What do you see?" Again, then answered, "A black dot." Finally he said to them, "I see a lot of white space."

It's amazing how we focus so intently on one thing--one bad situation, one hurtful circumstance, one fallen person--and ignore everything else around us. I'm absolutely guilty of that myself. I can focus so much on that black dot until all I see is darkness. Whatever it is we fixate and focus on, that's what becomes prominent our lives.

Caines' story reminded me to fixate instead on all the light in my life. Yes, there are dark things happening in my family. Yes, our circumstances are far from ideal. But there is a heck of a lot of light in our lives. So much white space to be thankful for.

What defines my white space? What am I thankful for this year?

• As always, my amazing sons. They are the greatest blessings in my life. God gave me the grace to raise them well, and they are always at the top of my gratitude list.
• Good health. It's priceless. Without it, our lives would be very different.
• Kind and loving family. Without them, there would be a lot less laughter and comfort in our situation.
• Interesting and adventurous job. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing in this job as a flight attendant, but there is a purpose. I'll enjoy the journey while I figure it out.
• A home with lots of equity. Are me and my boys sad that we must let it go? Absolutely. They were raised here. We built it from nothing but dirt. But I'm thankful for the value in it.
• Cars that run. This is a pet peeve of mine, after being raised in a household where cars broke down all the time. Ours are not perfect, but they run. 
• Faithful and supportive life group. I am so thankful that God led me to these amazing people. They are my prayer warriors and guardian angels.
• Kind friends. When my sons and I look at our lives and the friends we've made--new and not so new--we're blown away. We have no shortage of flourishing friendships.
• Born in the Land of the Free. I'm so thankful that I was born here, in freedom. And I'm thankful for those who protect those freedoms every day.

Whatever life throws our way, there's one thing we can be sure of: there is always, always something to be thankful for. Let's practice focusing not on the black dot, but on the white space.

What are you thankful for? I'd love to know.

Until next time...

The Love Dare

This week I'd like to highly recommend a book--The Love Dare, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. 

From the back cover:

Though unconditional love is promised at weddings, it is rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes often fade into disappointment at home. But it doesn't have to stay that way.

Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, this 40-day journey (featured in the hit movie Fireproof) challenges husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. If you desire greater intimacy, friendship, and fulfillment in your marriage, let it begin where millions have started. With a dare.

From the inside flap:

Receive this as a warning.

This forty-day journey cannot

be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often

difficult process, but an incredibly 

fulfilling one. To take this dare

requires a resolute mind and a

steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly

tested, and those who quit early will

forfeit the greatest benefits. If you

will commit to a day at a time for forty

days, the results could change your

life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others

who have done it before you.

If your marriage is healthy, this dare can make it ever better.

If your marriage is struggling, this dare can bring new life.

If your marriage is considered doomed, this dare can be the miracle you seek.

My hope and prayer is that you'll read The Love Dare, and put each chapter into action. I also hope you'll take the time to watch Fireproof. I've posted the movie trailer below.

Until next time...

Hit It and Quit It

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Have you ever heard the term, "Hit it and quit it?" I hadn't until I listened to The Problem with Pineapples. In today's dating culture, there are many people who have no desire for a serious relationship. They're just interested in swiping right, then having sex and moving on. Thus the term, "hit it and quit it."

After reading this post, you may think I'm lame, boring, out of it, or whatever. And maybe all of that is true. But I'm ok with that. I am SO thankful that throughout my marriage crisis, I've never given in to the temptation to sleep around. Had I done so, it would've not only further damaged my family, it would've damaged my soul. 

When we're being rejected by the one person who promised to be with us for life, the hurt runs so deep. Instinctively, we may think, "Wait a minute! He's rejecting me. Let me hop in the sack with someone else to prove I've still got it going on."

No matter how desperate your situation is, I beg of you, please don't do this. If you're already doing it, I hope and pray you'll stop and reconsider.

I knew of a couple who kept doing this to each other in a sick cycle of adultery. He cheated on her. Then she cheated on him. Then he cheated on her. It was a sad game of one-upping each other in a very negative way. And they had a child at home!

Kids' hearts are fragile, and so are ours. I'm highly respected by my sons, and their respect is precious to me. No "one night stand," or "swipe right" guy is worth losing that.

Ladies, it's safe to say there are plenty of guys who will pounce on someone who is going through a dark and vulnerable time with her husband. Same with women who have no problem snagging a married man in order to soothe their own loneliness and insecurity. None of it will end well.

Please resist this temptation of seeking love and affection from someone outside your marriage. I can't think of a man or woman who was ever glad they sought validation this way. It only leads to deeper heartache.

Me, I've chosen to bask in the love of the One Who will never leave me nor forsake me. I'm being ever-filled with love, with enough to overflow onto others.

My hope and prayer is that none of us...men or women...will succumb to being the subject of a drive by "hit it and quit it." We're worth much more than that.

Until next time...

Forgive, Pray, Forward

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There's quite a bit of turmoil going on in my family right now. My boys and I, the four of us, are solid. My oldest son says we're like four wheels of a car, moving together in unison. I love that imagery. But where their dad is concerned, there's definitely darkness and division.

Too often in prayer I ramble on and do all the talking. But sometimes, when I stop my rambling (and let's be honest--complaining), I feel as if God is speaking directly to me. Words float in my mind that are not from me. They couldn't be. 

Recently, these words came to me in a moment of quiet listening:

Forgive him

Pray for him

Look forward

Forgive Him

I've blogged about this before. And I'm totally up front with you when I say this is my biggest struggle. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own or in my own power. I pray over it. I ask God to help me forgive. I don't want to carry that heavy baggage wherever I go. Does he deserve my forgiveness? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Pray for Him

I've blogged about this before as well. The Bible says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." (Luke 6:28) This is soooo hard to do (right up there with forgiveness). When my negative thoughts turn to blaming, bitterness, judgement, and anger, that's when I know it's time to shut off that junk and pray for him. Does he deserve my prayer? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Look Forward

Ah, here is where things get interesting. For so long I've been praying for healing and restoration, despite my circumstances. Little by little, though, God has been working on me. He's teaching me to stop looking behind, and to instead look forward. My precious son sent me this verse one day: 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

--Jeremiah 29:11-13

Prosper me, not harm me. Hope and a future. These are gifts that this faith journey has given me. First of all, I've been blessed with a son who sends me that verse! But I've been blessed with this beautiful faith that reminds me to live with expectancy.

Wherever you are in your own journey, whether it's in the beginning--in the "what the heck just happened" phase--or somewhere else down the road, here's my advice: pray. But don't just tell God all your problems. He already knows. Come to Him with your hurts and concerns, and He will give you rest. But also come to Him and listen. Get quiet, and wait. See what He plants in your heart.

Until next time...

SaveSave

Replace the Dirty Water

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If you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you'll notice that I often link to other resources. Not just any resources, but resources rooted in faith and healing. Why is that? It's because I've found such solace and comfort in filling myself up with what is good. I crave it more than chocolate (and if you know me, you know that's really saying something).

I can't remember the source, but I loved this imagery:

Think of your hurting hearts, minds, and souls as a glass of dirty water. Grab a spoon and try sifting out the dirt. You can't. The dirt is so blended in with the water, you can't sift through it. Now set the spoon aside. Place that same glass of dirty water beneath the faucet and turn the water on. Clean water now fills the glass until it overflows. As more and more clean water pours in, the dirty water becomes lighter and lighter until it's clear.

For me, filling myself with what's good has been a vital part of my growth and healing. If I were filling myself with negative stuff, I'd be in a totally different place.

Before my husband left us, I used to listen to country music all the time. I love country music, don't get me wrong, but when you're hurting? It's awful. I'd hear a song about how much a guy loves a girl. Then I'd be sad because that's not my life. Boo hoo. Then I'd hear a song about how love went wrong, and their heart is broken. Then I'd be sad because that is my life. Boo hoo. It was a lose/lose situation.

I used to read fiction books all the time. Mostly romances, or thrillers with a romance sub-plot. Also dangerous! Now I read books that inspire me, give me hope, and lift my heart and soul. 

I used to browse through social media all the time, envious of the wives whose husbands love them. Envious of the families that remained together. Heartbroken instead of happy for all the smiling faces. Now I avoid social media completely. It's not reality, so why fill myself with it?

I read devotionals every day. I listen to podcasts whenever I hike. I listen to inspirational messages while I'm driving. That faucet of clear water is constantly being poured in, counter-acting the muddy water that used to define my thinking.

Whether you click over to my links or not, my hope and prayer is that you're filling yourself up with what is good. Pour clean water in, and little by little the muddy water will be forced out.

Until next time...

"Every Storm is a School"

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"Every storm is a school." -- Rick Warren

In his podcast, "How to Deal with Difficulty, Part 2," Rick Warren says, "Every storm is a school." I like that. It's a fresh reminder that during all seasons of life--the good and not so good--there is something we can learn. It's true that we seem to learn the most from the trials in life, though.

I'll paraphrase one of Warren's blunt statements: during a storm, don't give up. Grow up.

Boy, did I have a lot of growing up to do. And I still have a long way to go. But thankfully I'm not where I used to be.

When dealing with difficulty, Warren gives us some advice on what to do and what not to do. I'll list them below, and add my own personal reflections.

What should we do?

1. Determine the reason for the difficulty. What made it happen? Was it my cruelty? My indifference? My neglect? My pride? My selfishness? My insecurity? This is still an ongoing process for me. Even though my situation wasn't primarily caused by me, it's definitely been eye-opening to search my own heart for my share in the results. 
2. What does God want me to learn through this? This is the whole "school" part of being in a storm. As I've opened my heart and mind to how I need to change, it's been a painful but necessary transformation. I'm confident God isn't finished with me yet! Thankfully, He's a patient, tender Teacher. I'm grateful for how far I've come, knowing it's a lifelong journey.
3. Determine my response. Will I allow this to make me bitter? Or better? We can either become who God created us to be, or we can shrivel up and become hard-hearted. I choose to become better.

What should we not do?

1. Drift. No goal, no purpose, no growth. We're coasting, and as Warren says, "When you're coasting, you're going downhill." Sometimes we're so knocked off our center of balance, it takes a little while to gain footing again. That's ok.
2. Discard. It's tempting during a storm to abandon values and relationships. Warren says, "It's easier to cop out than to develop character." If you're still eye-balling that escape hatch of marriage called "divorce," close it. It is not God's will for us to run from a difficult situation. He wants us to learn and grow.
3. Despair. Don't give up. Even in the storm, God is in control.

My sincere hope is that you'll listen to parts 1, 2 and 3 of Warren's series about dealing with difficulty. Such wise counsel.

Ultimately, my prayer is that no matter what you're going through today, you won't give up. Ever.

Until next time...

Why Me? Why You? Why This Trial?

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Why me?

I'm gonna guess that most of us have asked this question during times of trial and discouragement. Hope seems lost. My world is falling apart. Everyone around me seems to blissfully have their act together.

Why this trial? 

I'm a decent person. Not perfect, but kind. Plenty of mistakes in my past, but plenty of goodness, too. Many times I've laid in bed staring at the ceiling, or sat at work staring at the computer screen wondering why?

Pondering and reasoning cause confusion, and I'm so guilty of stepping into that trap. But sometimes I get a small glimpse of the why. Like when I read Why Trials? by James MacDonald.

I've learned that God allows trials. Even if He didn't cause them, He can use them for our good.

I've often wondered if God caused this trial in my life. Or was it the enemy working against me? Or is it nothing spiritual, but simply my own mistakes that led to this? Or was my whole life with my husband a big, fat mistake? Were we never meant to meet in the snack line during middle school? Those two times I broke up with him but got back together--were those mistakes I should've avoided?

See how confusion and reasoning can become a trap?

Anyway, whatever the cause of my trial, and whatever the cause of your trial, trials can improve our conduct and our character. Here are some snippets from MacDonald's post about Why Trials?:

"A trial is a painful circumstance allowed by God to change my conduct and my character. My conduct—that’s what I do. And then on a deeper level, my character—that’s who I am. Trials signal that God is making adjustments in my actions and my spirit. Several biblical terms are actually interchangeable: trials, suffering, hardship, tribulation, chastising, and discipline. Trials are hard times!"

"Here’s the unalterable fact: Pain is often a central part of God’s purpose in this world. God allows and sometimes even causes pain in our lives. It’s one of the tools He uses to get stubborn sheep to greener pasture."

"Far from abandoning us when we’re going through difficult trials, God moves toward us. He’s not folding His arms; He’s rolling up His sleeves. He’s getting ready to do something in your life that you haven’t previously been willing to let Him do. In fact, trials are proof of love.

Never forget this: When God allows you to experience trials, His motivation is love. His eyes are upon you. His attention is toward you. This is biblical love—a love that’s willing to take you through a valley to get you to a hilltop. No pseudo solutions or quick fixes with God. He is going for deep, lasting change in you, so “he disciplines [you] for [your] good” (Hebrews 12:10).

God’s taking you to a better place. God sees the bull’s-eye, and He’s aiming for it. Like a skilled dentist, God is only drilling out decay, stuff that has made you restless and miserable all your life. When the work is done, your life will be better, but only if you embrace what God is doing."

I can testify to the truth that trials change our conduct and character. Mine have completely changed for the better. Same for my sons. Do I wish it would've happened without all the pain? Of course.

God is taking me and my boys to a better place. I don't know where that is yet, but I see it on the horizon. I feel it deep within my spirit.

Whatever it is you're going through, my hope and prayer is that you'll open your heart to God and what He's trying to do.

Until next time...

Are you full of it?

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Most people love like this:

I need love. I need happiness. I need to feel accepted, approved, and fulfilled. It is your job, spouse, to make me feel all those wonderful things. When you do not succeed in making me feel all those things, it is your fault. You have come up short. I must now move on in my quest to find that one person--the one person who will fill me.

That's the way I loved. That's the way my husband loved. We've been a couple since we were teenagers, growing up and figuring out life together. At one time it seemed our bond was unbreakable. But with expectations like the ones listed above, who or what can withstand that kind of burden?

Most relationships cannot.

I read a great post entitled Living Loved. I truly hope each of you will read the entire article. It's a powerful reminder that no one--NO ONE--can fully fill and complete another person. 

I've read about a study that declared the most a spouse can meet their spouse's needs is 80%. They'll become frustrated because their husband or wife isn't meeting 100% of their needs, so they have an affair and/or leave that person in search for someone else who can then meet all their needs. But once again, they'll soon discover that the new person can only meet 80% of their needs. And on and on it goes--searching for 100% fulfillment from another person, only to be continuously disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Lysa TerKeurst, author of the linked article, writes this:

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen.

I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need. Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying, “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.” This will never set a relationship up for success.

Here’s the secret shift we must make:

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?

Or…

Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

I've done this the wrong way. My guess is that most of us have. But my hope and prayer is that we can all find fullness from God's love for us, instead of desperately searching for it from someone else.

He fills us to overflowing with love by faith. Then we pour that love and blessing onto others.

Until next time...

What's The Point?

 

(photo credit)

It wasn't until later in my difficult season that I was awakened to the idea that there might be a point to what I've gone through. Some of my favorite sayings have become:

"Nothing is wasted."

"Your mess becomes your message."

"Your test can become your testimony."

It's difficult to see this when we're in the midst of deep sorrow. Confusion is a mighty enemy that can drag us down, down, down, until we spend most of our time wondering, What the heck just happened?

Joyce Meyer has an amazing story. As a child, she was sexually abused by her father. This went on for years and years. Her mom, even though she knew about it, didn't help. I can't imagine what that was like. If you haven't yet heard her story, you can listen to it here. It's disturbing, it's painful to hear, and it's powerful.

I listened to another one of her messages, Unshakeable Trust, Part 2. In this message she refers to her painful childhood, and how confused she'd been for so many years. Later she had this epiphany (I'll paraphrase): What if the reason I went through such trials was because some day I'd need to be bold enough to speak out about such horror? What if it was up to me to encourage other victims of sexual abuse? What if that painful season in my life was so I could later use it to help others?

Over the Christmas holiday, my sons and I took a Hawaiian cruise that was meant to include our whole family. Despite the turmoil in our lives, we enjoyed it. Heck, it was paid for. Might as well have fun!

While on that cruise, I came into contact with some amazing people. I connected with a fire chief who knows my husband and was deeply shocked and saddened by what had happened (my son confided in him). We also met a family where the father had experienced something similar in his young life. His dad walked out on their family, leaving his mom to pick up the pieces. 

I lay in bed one morning during that trip, thinking about how frustrating it was to see families destroyed by one person's destructive decisions. It didn't make sense to me. I thought of ways I could connect with the fire chief and go from fire station to fire station, sharing my story and how it's impacted our family. I'd encourage every firefighter to stay, figure it out, get help. Don't leave your family! Don't take what seems like the easy way out.

But then another idea came to me. What if I could speak to first responders and their families through a blog? I like to write, I have a passion about the subject, and I was slowly finding my voice. That's how this blog was born.

How many people are reading it? How many people has it helped? I don't check statistics, but I do hear stories. Before launching the blog, I prayed that the right people would find it at the right time. It'll always be here for anyone who needs it.

I still don't understand what's happened to us, and I still struggle with truckloads of negative emotions. But I've also done a lot of soul-searching and healing. My spiritual journey has been amazingly beautiful.

Whatever it is we go through in life, if we can look at it through the lens of "Nothing is wasted," "My mess can become my message," and "My test can become my testimony," we can see that something bigger is at play here.

What is that for you? What is that for me? I don't know for sure. But if our hearts are open to the possibility, we can see that oftentimes our struggles can be training ground for something powerful.

Until next time...