Need Comfort? Just Ask

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I vividly remember the moment it happened. I was alone in my car on the freeway.

I’d just spent the day with my sisters and their families. Spending time with them brings me a lot of joy, but it’s bittersweet. I love them all dearly, and we’re so close and have so much fun together. That’s the “sweet” part. The “bitter” part is that my husband is no longer a part of this loving and fun group--by choice.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 years old, but I’ve known him since I was 12. He’s been a part of my amazing family for a very long time. He was even best friends with my sister’s husband since he was 11 years old.

When I’m with my family, and my husband is not, I feel a strong and uncomfortable feeling of loss. A poor comparison would be the “phantom limb” phenomenon.

And so it was on that day, alone in the car on the freeway, when sadness overwhelmed me. I began weeping uncontrollably. I cried so hard I could barely see the lanes in front of me. As I cried, I remembered words Joyce Meyer had spoken in one of her teachings. (I wish I remembered which one so I could share it.) While talking about comfort, Meyer said something like this: “If you ever need comfort, just ask God. Say, ‘God, I need your comfort.’”

What did I have to lose? Right there in my car, I cried out, “God, I need your comfort.”

Suddenly, I stopped crying. My shaking body that had been wracked with sobs was now still. Warmth and peace came over me. I can only describe it as supernatural. God’s comfort came to me the moment I asked in my desperate need...in my moment of deep despair, sadness, and loss. 

It was proof that I wasn’t in this alone. For a short time after my husband left me, I felt alone. Thankfully I realized I’ve never been alone--God was always with me, even when I didn’t acknowledge Him, thank Him, or ask His opinion. He’s there for you, too, right now.

I’ve learned that God never promised to keep every storm away from us, but He does promise to walk through the storms with us. He was there to wrap me in comfort--all I had to do was ask.

Have you ever felt absolutely alone? Have you ever desperately needed comfort? In your time of need, I urge you to simply ask God to comfort you.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 (ESV)

Until next time...

Be Kind? Are You Serious?

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Confession: there have been times when I’ve been nasty and rude to my husband. Especially after he left me and our three teenage sons two years ago. When I’m hurt, I come out swinging.

I used to be easily offended, angered, and made bitter. Perhaps you’d look at my situation and say, “I don’t blame her. Look at what he did to her and her kids!” And to be honest, I sometimes feel a certain satisfaction in that.

I’m not innocent, I'm not perfect. I’m normal.

Soon after I invited God into my circumstances, I learned of this scripture: “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” Luke 6:28 (NLT)

Bless him? Pray for him? God, are you serious? You expect me to be kind to him in the midst of all the wreckage he’s left behind?

*Sigh* Yep.

Notice I didn’t say, “Accept what he did as ok,” or, “Stand in line to get trampled on again,” or “Trust him.” Nope, none of that.

Let me clear up a couple of things. Yes, God asks us to bless those who curse us, and pray for those who hurt us. It’s a way of following Jesus’ example. But you know what else? He asks us to do it because it brings us peace. I’ve learned that when God asks us to do something difficult, like be kind to someone who’s deeply hurting us, it’s not because he’s a cosmic meanie who’s trying make us crazy. It’s because He loves us deeply and knows what’s best for us.

Does God love you? Yep.

Does God love the person who’s causing you so much pain? Yep.

Here are some truths I’ve learned:

• Hurting people hurt people.
• The person who’s hurting you can reject you, but he can’t reject your prayer.
• Holding a grudge against someone hurts you more than the other person.
• Praying for your person can bring you peace.

I may sound like a completely crazy person, and believe me, sometimes I feel like I am. But I’ll share with you what I now do. And I definitely do not have 100% accuracy with this, lest I sound like I’m wonderfully spiritual.

When a negative, angry, or judgemental thought comes into my mind about him, I turn it around. I bless him and pray for him. Is it difficult? Yes. Do I sometimes neglect to do this, and instead marinate in anger? Yes. Remember that part about me not being perfect?

I invite you to try it. Whenever a negative, angry, or judgemental thought comes into your mind about your person, turn it around. Pray for your person. Pray for healing in their mind, heart, and soul. Ask for them to be blessed. If you try this, I’d love to hear how it makes you feel.

If you need help with what to pray, Kimberly Wagner wrote a great post about How to Pray for Your Man.

Until next time...

SaveSave

Don't Try to Figure it Out

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I was praying, asking God to give me something, anything, that would calm my overactive and confused mind. I mean, seriously, what happened to my life? What happened to the future I thought I’d have with my husband? How in the world did I end up here?

God spoke to me with an impression on my heart. What He said had such a profound affect on me I immediately grabbed my phone and wrote this note:

Eyes on Jesus

Trust Him

Don’t try to figure it out

Those three instructions reminded me of something I’d read in Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of the Mind.” If you haven’t yet read that book, I highly recommend it. Honestly, that book helped me leap over some major hurdles in the beginning of this journey. I still refer to the dog-eared and highlighted pages.

Joyce Meyer tackles this subject with the famous verse from Proverbs 3:5, Lean on, trust in, and be confident of the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

She goes on to say:

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion.

I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, “Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused.” I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Her words were difficult for me to absorb at first. You see, I’m always trying to figure things out. When my husband walked out on me, I spent so much time trying to figure out why? What in the world would make a man do such a thing? Was I cruel? No. Was I a monster? No. Was I hideous? No. Why? Why? Why? I even stopped seeing a certain counselor because she kept asking me, Why? As if I had a clue.

After pondering the words in the book, I actually felt something strange: relief. I was relieved that I didn’t have to try to figure it out. I didn’t have to keep digging and digging until the whole mess made sense. There was no way it would ever make sense to me, and trying to make sense out of the non-sensical caused me a lot of grief and frustration.

This verse is also a good reminder: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8 (ESV) And this one: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33 (ESV)

Whatever your situation, wherever you are in your relationship, there may be something much bigger at play. My advice to you is to practice what God placed in my heart: Eyes on Jesus, trust Him, and don’t try to figure it out.

Until next time...

Struggling in Your Marriage? Some Resources for You

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Before I dig deeper into my own journey, I wanted to press pause on the regular posts to offer some resources for struggling marriages. My hope and prayer is that you and your spouse would make a commitment to work on your marriage, no matter how impossible it seems. Two willing partners...that's all you need to begin the journey of healing and restoration.

"What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Mark 10:9 (ESV)

Respites/retreats...

Hope Restored

This faith-based marriage intensive has a high success rate. Their site says that of those surveyed, "research shows 84.6% of couples are still married two years after attending." It also says, "The Hope Restored marriage intensives have helped more than 3,000 couples in crisis find hope for their marriages."

Read success stories here.

Operation Heal Our Patriots

From their web site:

"Operation Heal Our Patriots gives wounded veterans and their spouses the opportunity for spiritual refreshment, physical renewal, and marriage enrichment. Couples participate in Biblically based seminars that help strengthen their relationships with God and others and enjoy the beauty of God's creation with outdoor activities at our Alaskan wilderness lodge. We continue to support these men and women after their initial stay, keeping their spiritual needs and marriages a priority."

Also faith-based, operated by Samaritan's Purse.

Chris Kyle Frog Foundation

Founded by Taya Kyle, wife to "American Sniper" Chris Kyle. Taya Kyle said her goal with the foundation is to "provide respites for military couples--as well as veterans and first-responders such as police and firefighters." She goes on to say, "The divorce rate is so high in that group...I really felt the thing I knew most about and was most passionate about was marriage. If we can just help the marriages survive--and not just survive but thrive." (You can read the full interview here)

Conferences...

Firefighters for Christ

Marriage Today

Books...

In my commitment and determination to save my own marriage, I've read many books on the subject. I'll list five here, and will refer to these and others from time to time:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

From this Day Forward: Five Commitments to Fail-Proof Your Marriage, by Craig Groeschel

The Imperfect Marriage: Help for Those Who Think it's Over, by Darryl and Tracey Strawberry

The DNA of Relationships, by Gary and Greg Smalley

Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Podcasts...

Save the Marriage

Focus on the Family

Do you know of other worthy books or resources? Let's help each other by sharing what we know.

Until next time...

The Invitation

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I’ve always been rather quiet and private about my faith. It’s not that it was a big secret, it’s just that it wasn’t on the top of my “share with everyone” list. I grew up going to church, but drifted away in my later teen years. It wasn’t a conscious thing--it was simply a matter of magnifying other things and people.

That quickly changed two years ago when my husband--who I’ve been with since I was 15 years old--left me. My world was completely rocked. It’s still rocked, to be honest. If you’ve been through this, you know the deep, gut-wrenching wounds I’ve experienced. If you’re going through this now, I understand your pain. 

I was desperately searching for answers. I’m an avid reader and writer, so I gravitated to what comes naturally to me: reading, writing, and research. I began listening to podcasts that poured goodness and hope into my wounded soul. My faith, which had been on the backburner for decades, moved to the front.

This started happening while I listened to a podcast featuring Kimberly and LeRoy Wagner, who were sharing their marriage miracle story. For someone like me, who was so deeply wounded and searching for answers, it was a balm for my soul. I ordered Kimberly’s book, Fierce Women, and read through it in a couple of days. Their marriage miracle, Kimberly’s book, and her blog, were the seeds planted in my heart that began my spiritual journey.

I don’t know what your faith life is like. Perhaps you’ve been so disgusted by faith, and people of faith, that you’ve automatically tuned out this blog post. Or maybe you’re like me; you’ve grown up with faith, but let other things and people take its place. Maybe you’ve had that “something is missing in my life” feeling, but can’t pinpoint the cause. Or maybe you’re on the fence about faith, and don’t know what it’s all about. No matter where you are on this spectrum, I ask you to do this one simple thing: invite God into your circumstances.

Pray. Invite God in. If you’re the first responder who’s thinking of walking out on your family, pray. If you’re married to a first responder and you’re fed up with being alone and second in line to the job, pray. If your marriage is unraveling, and you’re powerless to stop it, pray. If your spouse is cheating on you, pray. If you’re the adulterer, pray. No matter where you are and what your role is in the status of your relationship, pray.

For me, healing began once I invited God into my circumstances. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m nowhere close to where I used to be. It’s a journey, but it all begins with an invitation. It could be simple words like this, “God, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t understand why I’m going through this pain. But in the midst of this chaos and turmoil, I’m inviting you in. Please help me.”

I truly hope you’ll invite God in. Right now.

Until next time...