Love is a Choice

“Love is a choice.”

I’ve heard this statement so many times since my marital struggles began. I’ll likely share multiple versions of this truth, because it’s become so important to me.

Most people think of love as an emotion...a feeling. But emotions are fickle, and feelings change quickly. If we’d treat love as a choice we’re willing to make, marriages would have a stronger chance of survival.

Recently, I heard a great message from Rick Warren. In his message, he did a short comparison between Hollywood’s formula for marriage vs. God’s formula for marriage. It’s entertaining, but it also illustrates the point.

Warren compared it this way:

Hollywood’s formula for marriage

1. Find the right person.
2. Fall in love.
3. Fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person forever.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3 as often as necessary.

God’s formula for marriage

1. Instead of finding the right person, become the right person. Build character. Live with integrity.
2. Instead of falling in love, walk in love. Love is a choice, and 100% within our control. If someone says, “I fell out of love with my spouse” it’s because they made the choice to fall in and out of love. Love is the choice to be “other” centered instead of “self” centered.
3. Fix your hope on God, and honor Him through your relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.

I’m not an expert on the subject, obviously, and I for sure don’t have all the answers. But the truth that love is a choice makes such sense to me. We make so many choices as couples...what careers will we pursue? Where will we live? When should we have kids? Will we fight for our marriage, or will we give up--causing ourselves and our children a lot of pain?

Why not make the most important choice of all? To love.

If you’re struggling in your marriage, and you’re feeling as if you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, I urge you to make the choice to love. Once the choice to love has been made, then you'd search for ways to reconnect, treat your spouse well, and grow closer in the process.

I hope you'll listen to the message in the above link. My hope and prayer is that your marriage will flourish.

Until next time...

Growth in the Dark Places

I love the message about a seed in today’s photo. It reminds me of one of my favorite Joel Osteen messages, Blessed in the Dark Places.

In his message, Osteen compares the trials in our lives to a seed being planted. Seeds can’t germinate in the light. It needs to be planted in the soil. A dark place. Osteen points out that if asked, the seed would likely tell you it doesn’t want to be in the dark place. It’s uncomfortable, the pressure intense. 

He makes this wonderful point: The seed looks buried, but in fact, it’s planted.

After time, that seed will change. It’s outer shell will crack, and new growth happens. And just like the seed, when we experience significant trials we can also experience new growth. Our character grows. We develop faith, patience, and humility.

In my own experience, God has used my marital dark place to draw me closer to Him. I pray more, trust Him more, and look less to myself for solutions and more toward Him. My priorities have been re-evaluated. My faith has been stretched to what I thought would be a breaking point. I have a fresh appreciation for our blessings. I don’t complain about the little things anymore, because I’ve been through too much to let small stuff bother me. None of this would’ve happened in the safe zone. It only happens in the fire of affliction. 

The dark place has also changed my children. They’ve become wonderful listeners. They’re patient, empathetic, and even kinder than they were before. They’ve become more encouraging and comforting. Their faith has grown. Their perspective has also changed. They’ve learned a lot for their age, including what they will not do if they experience marital trouble. Only time will tell, but I’m hopeful my sons will avoid leaving their families at all costs. They know all too well what that’s felt like.

I have not liked this dark place--it’s been extremely painful. But this dark place has been packed with blessings. Although I didn’t like the growth process, I appreciate the results. I’ve become a much better person. And just like the seed that breaks forth through the soil, I’ve also broken free and gained more confidence.

Going through this time with faith and a good attitude has been such a life lesson for me and my sons. Brokenness is temporary. The loss, betrayal, and pain was meant for my harm, but I can trust God to use it for my good. In fact, He already has.

If you’re in a dark place, I hope you’ll click on Osteen’s link above and listen to the message. I promise, you’ll be inspired.

Until next time...

Kitchen Table Counselors

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In a fire station kitchen, everything is big. Industrial stove, massive pots and pans, kitchen-length tables with long benches. It’s here at the table where meals are shared. Games are played to determine who’ll wash dishes. At Christmastime, firefighters’ kids decorate cookies there. Good-natured ribbing takes place at the table, such as testing a rookie’s knowledge, or teasing the old-timer about his receding hairline. It’s also a place where firefighters talk.

Good information is shared at the table, such as new techniques for fighting fire and how to do it better. But it can also be a place where insidious information is shared, and secrets are kept.

How do I divorce my wife, but still keep my pension? How do I cheat on my spouse, but keep it a secret? How do I create a separate bank account she won’t know about?

This isn’t just a fire station scenario. It happens in bars, at the office, and in restaurants. It happens in patrol cars, and carpools. Too often people who long to do the wrong thing get plenty of advice from those who’ve traveled that well-worn path to destruction.

I’d like to pose a few questions:

Is the person giving you advice someone you respect?

Are your motives pure? Are his?

Is the captain who’s on his third marriage really the person you want to seek advice from?

If you follow his advice, won’t your life look the same?

How is that person’s relationship with their children? Is that what you want?

Is the person you’re seeking advice from selfish?

Did he leave his own wake of destruction?

What moral code does he base his life on? Does he have a moral code?

Or how about these questions: 

Does he honor and respect his wife?

Does he bless his children and spend time with them?

Did he and his wife work through their issues and remain faithful to each other?

Did he and his wife honor the promises spoken on their wedding day?

Did he and his wife take the word “divorce” off the table?

I urge anyone who’s seeking advice to make sure they’re seeking it from someone who puts family first, not “self.” When we put our own self interests before marriage, children, and family, we destroy what we vowed to protect. Too many people--first responders and civilians--have taken what seems to be the easy path. But is it really easy?

Mark 10:8 says this: ...and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

Tearing apart a marriage is like ripping flesh from flesh. Should that be easy? No. Should it be common? No.

Wherever you are in your marriage, my hope and prayer is that you’ll seek advice from the number one source: the Bible. It’s packed full of practical advice about marriage. Surround yourself with people who share the same desire for family that you do. 

Whether you’re sitting around the kitchen table, in the squad car, or sharing a meal with girlfriends, seek healing and restorative advice. And if you’re at the table and someone speaks out against their spouse, and their motives aren’t good, won’t you please stand in the gap for the spouse?

Let's not sit idly by while others promote divorce, adultery, and abandoning families. Instead, let's speak courageously--with love and respect--in favor of what's right.

Share the meal...don’t share bad advice.

Until next time...

Get Yourself Off Your Mind

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Do you spend a lot of time with yourself on your mind? Me, too. I mean, seriously, I have myself on my mind way too much.

After my husband left home two years ago, I felt such deep despair. Like I mentioned in earlier posts, I invited God into my circumstances and began a spiritual journey that I wouldn’t ever take back.

I was attending a local church at the time, but I’d only go maybe once every two or three months. Besides my family, I didn’t even know anyone else who went there. It’s kind of a big church, and I never attempted to make it smaller by joining in.

Two years ago that changed. As I began seeking God, I felt a strong desire to get plugged in to the church. I joined a Life Group, which is a small group that meets each week. I started volunteering at the weekly homeless outreach. I went on a short mission trip. I volunteered in the church office. I volunteered at church services and special events. I now help with the pre-teen group.

Joyce Meyer has an excellent series based on the verse Psalms 37:3, “Trust in the Lord, and do good.” I love this teaching of hers because it’s such simple advice. When you’re struggling, when you’re confused, when you’re hurting, when you don’t know what to do, just trust God and do good.

The first part of the verse, “Trust in the Lord,” is a biggie. I’ll write a whole other post about that. The second part, “and do good,” was newer to me. I’ve often volunteered at school and for sports teams, and I’d even volunteered at our church to package meals for their “million meals” endeavor. But this time I yearned to do more.

When our hearts are hurting, it’s very easy to turn inward. It’s natural to isolate yourself and to dwell on the negative aspects of your life 24/7. But it’s not healthy. Believe me, stepping out to do these new things was very difficult. Showing up for Life Group as the only single person was daunting. But now these folks are some of my closest and most dear friends. Going on a mission trip alone, without knowing another person, was also daunting. But I made lasting friendships on that trip. Helping with the homeless outreach was intimidating at first, until I realized...it’s not about me! It’s about helping the other person who’s down on their luck.

Connecting with your local church is a great way to meet new people who are kind, compassionate, and comforting. Volunteering to help others is a productive way to get yourself off your mind. When I’m chatting with a homeless man about where he spent the night before, my own problems become smaller and smaller.

Whatever it is you’re going through, whatever the condition of your wounded heart and soul, I’d like to challenge you to step outside your comfort zone. Get plugged in, and do good. The people you’re there to help may think you’re a lifesaver, but truly, they’re saving you. 

We’re all blessed with certain gifts that we can use to help others. What’s your gift? How can you use it to help others?

Until next time...