Kitchen Table Counselors

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In a fire station kitchen, everything is big. Industrial stove, massive pots and pans, kitchen-length tables with long benches. It’s here at the table where meals are shared. Games are played to determine who’ll wash dishes. At Christmastime, firefighters’ kids decorate cookies there. Good-natured ribbing takes place at the table, such as testing a rookie’s knowledge, or teasing the old-timer about his receding hairline. It’s also a place where firefighters talk.

Good information is shared at the table, such as new techniques for fighting fire and how to do it better. But it can also be a place where insidious information is shared, and secrets are kept.

How do I divorce my wife, but still keep my pension? How do I cheat on my spouse, but keep it a secret? How do I create a separate bank account she won’t know about?

This isn’t just a fire station scenario. It happens in bars, at the office, and in restaurants. It happens in patrol cars, and carpools. Too often people who long to do the wrong thing get plenty of advice from those who’ve traveled that well-worn path to destruction.

I’d like to pose a few questions:

Is the person giving you advice someone you respect?

Are your motives pure? Are his?

Is the captain who’s on his third marriage really the person you want to seek advice from?

If you follow his advice, won’t your life look the same?

How is that person’s relationship with their children? Is that what you want?

Is the person you’re seeking advice from selfish?

Did he leave his own wake of destruction?

What moral code does he base his life on? Does he have a moral code?

Or how about these questions: 

Does he honor and respect his wife?

Does he bless his children and spend time with them?

Did he and his wife work through their issues and remain faithful to each other?

Did he and his wife honor the promises spoken on their wedding day?

Did he and his wife take the word “divorce” off the table?

I urge anyone who’s seeking advice to make sure they’re seeking it from someone who puts family first, not “self.” When we put our own self interests before marriage, children, and family, we destroy what we vowed to protect. Too many people--first responders and civilians--have taken what seems to be the easy path. But is it really easy?

Mark 10:8 says this: ...and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh.

Tearing apart a marriage is like ripping flesh from flesh. Should that be easy? No. Should it be common? No.

Wherever you are in your marriage, my hope and prayer is that you’ll seek advice from the number one source: the Bible. It’s packed full of practical advice about marriage. Surround yourself with people who share the same desire for family that you do. 

Whether you’re sitting around the kitchen table, in the squad car, or sharing a meal with girlfriends, seek healing and restorative advice. And if you’re at the table and someone speaks out against their spouse, and their motives aren’t good, won’t you please stand in the gap for the spouse?

Let's not sit idly by while others promote divorce, adultery, and abandoning families. Instead, let's speak courageously--with love and respect--in favor of what's right.

Share the meal...don’t share bad advice.

Until next time...

The Invitation

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I’ve always been rather quiet and private about my faith. It’s not that it was a big secret, it’s just that it wasn’t on the top of my “share with everyone” list. I grew up going to church, but drifted away in my later teen years. It wasn’t a conscious thing--it was simply a matter of magnifying other things and people.

That quickly changed two years ago when my husband--who I’ve been with since I was 15 years old--left me. My world was completely rocked. It’s still rocked, to be honest. If you’ve been through this, you know the deep, gut-wrenching wounds I’ve experienced. If you’re going through this now, I understand your pain. 

I was desperately searching for answers. I’m an avid reader and writer, so I gravitated to what comes naturally to me: reading, writing, and research. I began listening to podcasts that poured goodness and hope into my wounded soul. My faith, which had been on the backburner for decades, moved to the front.

This started happening while I listened to a podcast featuring Kimberly and LeRoy Wagner, who were sharing their marriage miracle story. For someone like me, who was so deeply wounded and searching for answers, it was a balm for my soul. I ordered Kimberly’s book, Fierce Women, and read through it in a couple of days. Their marriage miracle, Kimberly’s book, and her blog, were the seeds planted in my heart that began my spiritual journey.

I don’t know what your faith life is like. Perhaps you’ve been so disgusted by faith, and people of faith, that you’ve automatically tuned out this blog post. Or maybe you’re like me; you’ve grown up with faith, but let other things and people take its place. Maybe you’ve had that “something is missing in my life” feeling, but can’t pinpoint the cause. Or maybe you’re on the fence about faith, and don’t know what it’s all about. No matter where you are on this spectrum, I ask you to do this one simple thing: invite God into your circumstances.

Pray. Invite God in. If you’re the first responder who’s thinking of walking out on your family, pray. If you’re married to a first responder and you’re fed up with being alone and second in line to the job, pray. If your marriage is unraveling, and you’re powerless to stop it, pray. If your spouse is cheating on you, pray. If you’re the adulterer, pray. No matter where you are and what your role is in the status of your relationship, pray.

For me, healing began once I invited God into my circumstances. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m nowhere close to where I used to be. It’s a journey, but it all begins with an invitation. It could be simple words like this, “God, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t understand why I’m going through this pain. But in the midst of this chaos and turmoil, I’m inviting you in. Please help me.”

I truly hope you’ll invite God in. Right now.

Until next time...

Genesis of "Rescue Your Family"

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Every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. My marriage story began when I met my husband in the snack line in middle school. We started dating three years later, when I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior. During our “middle” he became a firefighter, we got married, built a home together, and raised three sons. Our ending is still being written.

Out of respect for my husband, I’ll keep most details of our situation private. But I’ll tell you this: several years ago my husband’s heart turned away from me. Two years ago he moved out of our home, leaving our sons and me dizzy with confusion, grief, and despair.

Since that time, I’ve been on a wild, painful, and surprisingly beautiful journey. As I’ve traveled this journey, I’ve heard story after story of first respoders’ families fracturing and falling apart. Firefighters leaving their wives, firefighters’ wives having affairs, another police officer or sheriff filing for divorce, military couples drifting apart. Why?

I’m not an expert on statistics, and I’m not a therapist. I’m simply a firefighter’s wife with a voice and a longing to see families restored. This blog was formed out of my deep desire to help other first responders and their families hold it together.

Why the title, “Rescue Your Family?”

First responders have a calling. Their jobs are extraordinarey. They go to work and see things and do things the rest of us can’t imagine. They rescue others. My goal is for first responders to not only rescue others, but to be willing to rescue their own families.

In the coming posts, I’ll share with you what I’ve learned along the way. I’ll share resources. I’ll encourage you and offer hope. But in the meantime, know this:

If you’ve felt your relationship unraveling and you’re powerless to stop it, I understand.

If you’ve felt lost and alone, I understand.

If you’ve felt unloveable, worthless, and deeply flawed, I understand.

If you’ve felt responsible for every single thing wrong with your relationship, I understand.

If you’ve felt as if every relationship around you is thriving except yours, I understand.

If you’ve felt bitter and angry, I understand.

If you’ve felt confused and scared, I understand.

This blog is not just for first responders and their families; it’s for anyone who needs it. It will not be a place of anger. It’ll be a place where we can offer support, encouragement, and ultimately, healing. I welcome you to come back often.

Until next time...