Rescue Your Family--The Book!

Friends,

I'm so pleased to announce the release of my latest book, Rescue Your Family. I may have mentioned before that I'm an author of young adult fiction. My collection of published books can be found on my web site, www.juliemusil.com.

This latest book is unique for me, as it's non-fiction. It's my own deeply personal story that you've read on this blog.

It's been many months since I've posted here. During that time we sold our old home, moved in with my sister, then bought our new home and settled in. All while continuing to lead and direct three of the finest people I know--my sons. It's been quite a year.

With my latest book release comes a whole lot of hope--hope that you or someone you know will be blessed by it. Hope that it'll find its way into the hands of the spouse who's hurting and confused. Hope that it'll reach someone who's on the fence about leaving their family, and persuade them to stay and rescue what seems lost.

Won't you help me help others? Share the book. Share my story. Share the hope.

Click below to download a copy!

Amazon
Barnes and Noble
iTunes

Until next time...

Forgetting the Past

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Is it truly possible to forget the past?

There are images, words, and sounds I wish I could erase from my mind and never, ever have them return. Like a cool sci-fi movie, where only the good memories remain.

But if the ugly stuff from our past was completely erased, wouldn't we also erase our ability to learn from that past? Wouldn't we lose our humility that's gained from making mistakes? Wouldn't we lose the desire to help others who are going through what we've gone through in the past?

Oftentimes, those ugly images and words pop up to the surface of my mind. And if I'm feeling especially low, or if I'm tired, those words and images stay and grow. They become bigger-than-life monsters that feed my fears, doubts, and insecurities.

There's a Bible story about Paul, formerly Saul, who did some horrible things to other people in his past. How often did those words, sounds, and images haunt him? He was a regular guy, like the rest of us, so of course they must've surfaced from time to time.

I'm so thankful he gives us this advice in Phil. 3:13:

"...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..."

When I'm stuck in the "past cycle," I've learned to recite this verse again and again. Only then am I able to change the channel of my mind, so to speak, and look ahead. 

It isn't easy, especially when certain things smack me in the face every day.

The past is a powerful and destructive drug, constantly drawing us in. And just like a hit of meth or heroine, we reach for more. With each hit, we spiral downward. 

Learning from the past is good. Helping others as a result of our painful past is also good. But marinating on a painful past doesn't serve any good purpose.

For me, forgetting the past is a daily thing. When I look forward to what lies ahead, I have hope. I'm encouraged by the small new things that have already begun.

If you have a painful past, my hope and prayer is that you'll change the channel on those memories when they threaten to drag you down. It's difficult, and it won't happen all in one day. But we can discipline ourselves to not stay in that dark place.

Instead, look forward to what lies ahead. 

Until next time...

Something New

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On New Year's morning, I woke up to the following verse:

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. -- Isaiah 43:19

What a perfect way to begin the new year. I read that verse over and over again, truly allowing it to seep into my soul. Each time I read it, something new came to the surface. As I broke it down piece by piece, here's how it encouraged me:

For I--it's not me who's doing something new. God is at work. He's cooking up something. For me, it's a daily task to take my hands off the wheel, and realize I'm not in control. Once I remember this, I'm at peace again.

Something new--not the old. Not the same old junk. Something new. Something fresh. Something that lines up with my gifts and my purpose. Something that is good.

See--keep my eyes open! When I pause and truly open my eyes, I can see Him at work. I can see the blessings He's already given me. I can see how the closed doors and open doors are directing my path.

Already begun--I don't have to wait for it to begin. It's already begun. I don't have to think, "Some day something good will begin." No, it's begun.

Make a pathway--This reminds me that He has gone before me. He is making crooked places straight. I don't have to struggle for the pathway. It's already done.

Wilderness--More about this at the end of the post.

Create rivers--create. He created it all, and He can create something from nothing. It's not my creativity that will solve my problems and make a way for me. It's His.

This verse refers to the wilderness and the dry wasteland. In the wilderness, we wander around confused, afraid, unsure of where to go and what to do. In the dry wasteland, we experience lack, thirst, and longing.

It's such a relief to be reminded that I don't have to figure it all out. I don't have to marinate endlessly on my problems, wondering how to solve them. The right ideas, opportunities, and people await me. He is doing a new thing. I do see it.

If you're in the wilderness right now, if you're in a dry wasteland, it may seem as if nothing good can come out of it. It may seem as if there is no solution to your problem, and no way out. If you're in that dark place, I encourage you to read this over and over again. Pray over it. See what is revealed to you.

Something new is happening for you. Do you see it?

Until next time...

Change Your "Why?" to "How?"

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Every once in a while, I read something that literally drops my jaw. Such was the case when I read, "Ask God How, Not Why" by Laura Story, author of "When God Doesn't Fix It."

If you're going through something--or have gone through something in your past--that does not make any sense at all, I urge you to read through the entire post. If your mind is open, the post will drop your jaw, too.

Story suggests an exercise. Take a sheet of paper and write down all your "Why" questions. I have a list of Why questions that I've marinated on in the past. You have your own Why questions. Then she suggests you flip the page and write some How questions.

I love the metaphorical act of flipping the page. It's as if we're saying, "Ok, I have lots of Why questions. Now I'm switching from the Why. I'm moving on to How."

She gives a list of suggested How questions, but you can make up your own. Her suggestions were enough to blow me away.

I highly recommend you do this. No matter what difficulty you're going through, I promise, this exercise will help you. Because my guess is this: what you're going through does NOT compute!

But here's where my jaw dropped. Story says this in closing:

God is good. He knows what, with His help, we can handle and where we most need to see His work. It's easy to sign up for a short-term mission project or donate money to a building campaign at church. And it's true; we can see God working in those places. But would you be willing to sign up for the brokenness in your life, if you knew your brokenness would bring glory to God and enable you to learn to trust Him in everything? We're tempted to measure our circumstances on the world's scale, but God's economy uses God-sized scales. His story is so much bigger than ours, and one day when we see it in totality, we'll have all the answers we desire.

Whoa! What? Check out the area I highlighted. I did sign up for a short term mission project. I do donate money to the church for building campaigns. But would I have signed up for the brokenness in my life to glorify God and learn to trust Him in everything? 

No way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I never would've signed up for it. But I do see how it's working for my good. Truly. Pain has a way of changing people--for better or worse. For me and my sons, it's changing us for the better. That's because God is in it, working, changing, transforming. 

Do yourself a favor: read the post, do the exercise, and let your mind wander from Why to How. 

Until next time...

Quiet Love

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We're nearing the end of 2017--and what a year it's been. There are many parts of 2017 I'd like bury deep, deep in the soil, never to reflect on again. But there are also joyful, precious, tender moments in 2017 that I'll cherish in my heart forever. Life is crazy like that, isn't it?

The holidays can be stressful and busy. They can also be quite painful. For the woman whose husband recently walked out on her, these holidays were filled with confusion, anger, and sorrow. She's looking ahead to an uncertain future. For the husband who just found out his wife was unfaithful, he's holding his head in his hands, wondering where he went wrong. For the people who are struggling with their finances, their kids, or their health, they may be wondering, "Will this ever get better?"

When we're pondering where we are and what we're going through, our thoughts are busy, frantic, bewildered. Our minds are anything but quiet.

I loved this post, "Unchanging Reality," by James MacDonald. In it, MacDonald shares this verse:

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. --Zephaniah 3:17 (emphasis mine)

I strongly urge you to read the whole post. But here's a small sample:

"When you’re hurting, the worst support can be the person who rushes in with a thousand things to say, like “I know how you feel.” People say so much, yet the One who could say everything says nothing at first. No judgment. No condemnation. No questioning. No pressure for you to explain. Just there, present with you. Silent.

He will quiet Himself, and He will quiet you. He will quiet your mind that reviews, reviews, reviews. He will quiet your heart that hurts, hurts, hurts. He will quiet your mouth that might lash out in pain to hurt others.

How does He quiet you? With His love. When He breaks the silence, He will be singing over you a song. The song is about the Father’s love—His immense, unchanging, unrelenting, undeserved, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-penetrating, all-healing love for you."

Review, review, review. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Lashing out in pain. Boy, have I done plenty of that. But now, more than ever, I'm quietly receiving love. 

No matter what someone else has told you. No matter if they left, or threatened to leave. No matter if they told you lies about your worth. And no matter how bleak your future may seem. Know this: you are loved. You don't have to earn it, all you have to do is receive it.

And let it quiet you.

Until next time...

Give It a Rest

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I'd just experienced a rough couple of days, and was feeling a bit raw and vulnerable. I was reading through my devotionals, which is now my morning routine. 

Joyce Meyer's app, one of my favorites, had posted the following verse. If you're struggling with anything--if you're feeling tired, if your emotions are like a runaway train, if you're wondering "when will this stop??"--I encourage you to read this verse slowly. Savor every single word.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. --Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

When I read this verse, it was like sinking into a hot bubble bath. 

Deep breath. 
Slow exhale. 
Ahh. 

"Unforced rhythms of grace" is so beautiful, isn't it?

It's moments like these when I'm reminded that it's ok that I don't have the answers. It's ok that I'm not wise enough on my own. It's ok that I make a zillion mistakes every day. It's ok. I'm learning the unforced rhythms of grace. 

Grace = unmerited favor. Grace means God fills in my gaps. He walks beside me and protects me and my sons. He comforts me through His presence, or through the presence of others. He's straightening my path.

When He says "Come to me," I must remember that He's not saying, "Come to me when you've got your act together." Or, "Come to me when you're not a jerk." Or, "Come to me when you do everything right." He wants me to come to Him, just as I am. Cracks, warts, sharp edges and all.

If you're anything like me, you try to figure everything out on your own. You try to plan for every contingency. You try to guard yourself against calamity. For decades, I paid for insurance for anything I could insure, and yet I couldn't insure against pain and heartache.

That was my way. And my way doesn't work. I'm slowly learning to do things His way.

Whatever it is you're going through, my hope and prayer is that you'll come to Him and find rest.

Until next time...

After the Drought

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In the beginning of a major life trial, we do all that we can to simply survive. Got out of bed today? Check. Loved on my sons and encouraged them? Check. 

Survival equals success on those days. If you're still in survival mode, I strongly encourage you to read James MacDonald's post about Survival.

Thankfully there came a point in my life when I no longer considered it a success to simply survive. No. My definition of success has changed. I'm committed to not only surviving, but thriving. 

Tough times can be described as the wilderness, a valley, a storm. Even a drought. During the drought, we thirst for radical change in our circumstances. We long for desperately needed rain to pour down and quench our parched souls.

I listened to a message by Steven Furtick, entitled Coming Out of the Drought. It was such a great reminder that dry spells don't last forever. During a drought, Furtick points out that we will likely battle enemies like invisibility, insignificance, and intimidation. But hang in there. Rain is coming.

I'm now on a path that I never would've been on had my life gone according to my plan. But you know what? I like this road. I like this me. And even though I face a lot of unknowns, I'll be ok. My sons will be ok. Better than ok...thriving.

If you're in the middle of your desert right now--or your wilderness, or your valley, or your storm--hang in there. Cherish each small cloud that promises rain. Rejoice in every drop of moisture that lands on your tongue. 

Droughts don't last forever. Eventually, rain pours down and quenches what had seemed unquenchable.

"...there is a sound of abundance of rain." 1 Kings 18:41

Until next time...

The Love Dare

This week I'd like to highly recommend a book--The Love Dare, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. 

From the back cover:

Though unconditional love is promised at weddings, it is rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes often fade into disappointment at home. But it doesn't have to stay that way.

Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, this 40-day journey (featured in the hit movie Fireproof) challenges husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. If you desire greater intimacy, friendship, and fulfillment in your marriage, let it begin where millions have started. With a dare.

From the inside flap:

Receive this as a warning.

This forty-day journey cannot

be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often

difficult process, but an incredibly 

fulfilling one. To take this dare

requires a resolute mind and a

steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly

tested, and those who quit early will

forfeit the greatest benefits. If you

will commit to a day at a time for forty

days, the results could change your

life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others

who have done it before you.

If your marriage is healthy, this dare can make it ever better.

If your marriage is struggling, this dare can bring new life.

If your marriage is considered doomed, this dare can be the miracle you seek.

My hope and prayer is that you'll read The Love Dare, and put each chapter into action. I also hope you'll take the time to watch Fireproof. I've posted the movie trailer below.

Until next time...

Forgive, Pray, Forward

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There's quite a bit of turmoil going on in my family right now. My boys and I, the four of us, are solid. My oldest son says we're like four wheels of a car, moving together in unison. I love that imagery. But where their dad is concerned, there's definitely darkness and division.

Too often in prayer I ramble on and do all the talking. But sometimes, when I stop my rambling (and let's be honest--complaining), I feel as if God is speaking directly to me. Words float in my mind that are not from me. They couldn't be. 

Recently, these words came to me in a moment of quiet listening:

Forgive him

Pray for him

Look forward

Forgive Him

I've blogged about this before. And I'm totally up front with you when I say this is my biggest struggle. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own or in my own power. I pray over it. I ask God to help me forgive. I don't want to carry that heavy baggage wherever I go. Does he deserve my forgiveness? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Pray for Him

I've blogged about this before as well. The Bible says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." (Luke 6:28) This is soooo hard to do (right up there with forgiveness). When my negative thoughts turn to blaming, bitterness, judgement, and anger, that's when I know it's time to shut off that junk and pray for him. Does he deserve my prayer? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Look Forward

Ah, here is where things get interesting. For so long I've been praying for healing and restoration, despite my circumstances. Little by little, though, God has been working on me. He's teaching me to stop looking behind, and to instead look forward. My precious son sent me this verse one day: 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

--Jeremiah 29:11-13

Prosper me, not harm me. Hope and a future. These are gifts that this faith journey has given me. First of all, I've been blessed with a son who sends me that verse! But I've been blessed with this beautiful faith that reminds me to live with expectancy.

Wherever you are in your own journey, whether it's in the beginning--in the "what the heck just happened" phase--or somewhere else down the road, here's my advice: pray. But don't just tell God all your problems. He already knows. Come to Him with your hurts and concerns, and He will give you rest. But also come to Him and listen. Get quiet, and wait. See what He plants in your heart.

Until next time...

SaveSave

Replace the Dirty Water

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If you've followed this blog for any amount of time, you'll notice that I often link to other resources. Not just any resources, but resources rooted in faith and healing. Why is that? It's because I've found such solace and comfort in filling myself up with what is good. I crave it more than chocolate (and if you know me, you know that's really saying something).

I can't remember the source, but I loved this imagery:

Think of your hurting hearts, minds, and souls as a glass of dirty water. Grab a spoon and try sifting out the dirt. You can't. The dirt is so blended in with the water, you can't sift through it. Now set the spoon aside. Place that same glass of dirty water beneath the faucet and turn the water on. Clean water now fills the glass until it overflows. As more and more clean water pours in, the dirty water becomes lighter and lighter until it's clear.

For me, filling myself with what's good has been a vital part of my growth and healing. If I were filling myself with negative stuff, I'd be in a totally different place.

Before my husband left us, I used to listen to country music all the time. I love country music, don't get me wrong, but when you're hurting? It's awful. I'd hear a song about how much a guy loves a girl. Then I'd be sad because that's not my life. Boo hoo. Then I'd hear a song about how love went wrong, and their heart is broken. Then I'd be sad because that is my life. Boo hoo. It was a lose/lose situation.

I used to read fiction books all the time. Mostly romances, or thrillers with a romance sub-plot. Also dangerous! Now I read books that inspire me, give me hope, and lift my heart and soul. 

I used to browse through social media all the time, envious of the wives whose husbands love them. Envious of the families that remained together. Heartbroken instead of happy for all the smiling faces. Now I avoid social media completely. It's not reality, so why fill myself with it?

I read devotionals every day. I listen to podcasts whenever I hike. I listen to inspirational messages while I'm driving. That faucet of clear water is constantly being poured in, counter-acting the muddy water that used to define my thinking.

Whether you click over to my links or not, my hope and prayer is that you're filling yourself up with what is good. Pour clean water in, and little by little the muddy water will be forced out.

Until next time...

Goodbye, Nest

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Have you heard about how eagles teach their young to fly? They push them out of the nest! Good grief, that seems harsh, doesn't it?

When I reflect back on the past few years, I can see this process taking place in my own life. If my husband hadn't left, I never would've ventured forth and taken risks like I do now. I wouldn't have clung to God in faith. I wouldn't have gone on a mission trip or started this blog. I wouldn't have taken the courageous step of starting a new career at 50. All of this happened because the comfortable nest I'd relied upon was plucked away.

I can become quite stuck in my ways. It takes a stick of dynamite to make me move. I enjoy stability and comfort just as much as the next gal. But when we're comfortable, we aren't growing. We're stagnant. Boy, have I been there.

Joyce Meyer (one of my favorite teachers) wrote the following devotional. I'll copy and paste it here for easy reference, but if you're struggling in ANY area of your life, or if you're looking to be inspired or become a blessing to someone else, I highly recommend you stroll around her web site. 

From Joyce Meyer:

Nudged Out of the Nest

As an eagle that stirs up her nest, that flutters over her young, He spread abroad His wings and He took them, He bore them on His pinions. —Deuteronomy 32:11

Baby eagles spend the first three months of their lives in the comfortable nest their parents have prepared. But the eaglets get a big surprise when they are about twelve weeks old. Their mother suddenly begins to throw all of their toys out of the nest.

Next, she begins to pull out all of the comfortable material in the nest—the feathers and the animal fur—and leaves the babies sitting on thorns and sticks. This is what the Bible means when it mentions that the mother eagle “stirs up her nest.” The reason she stirs the nest is that she wants her babies to get out and fly.

Before long, the mother eagle begins to nudge them out of the nest. The little eaglets, who have no idea how to fly, fall through the sky, probably very frightened. Soon, though, they hear a “whoooooooosh” as the mother eagle swoops up under them to catch them. At that point, the mother eagle takes the babies right back up to the nest and then nudges them out again. She keeps repeating the process, over and over again, until they finally understand that they have no choice but to fly.

The mother eagle does this because she loves them and wants them to have the best lives they can possibly have. Most eaglets won’t get out of the nest without this push. Similarly, most of us will also choose comfort over challenge unless we have no choice at all.

Do you feel God is working in your life the same way the mother eagle does with her young? Has He been pulling some of the padding out of your nest so you find yourself sitting on prickly branches? Is He saying to you, “Come on, it is time to fly”? If so, remember the mother eagle’s intentions and know that you can trust God’s good intentions for you.

If you're afraid to leave your nest, I totally understand. My hope and prayer is that you'll take that leap of faith, knowing your Heavenly Father is there to catch you and help you fly.

Until next time...

"Every Storm is a School"

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"Every storm is a school." -- Rick Warren

In his podcast, "How to Deal with Difficulty, Part 2," Rick Warren says, "Every storm is a school." I like that. It's a fresh reminder that during all seasons of life--the good and not so good--there is something we can learn. It's true that we seem to learn the most from the trials in life, though.

I'll paraphrase one of Warren's blunt statements: during a storm, don't give up. Grow up.

Boy, did I have a lot of growing up to do. And I still have a long way to go. But thankfully I'm not where I used to be.

When dealing with difficulty, Warren gives us some advice on what to do and what not to do. I'll list them below, and add my own personal reflections.

What should we do?

1. Determine the reason for the difficulty. What made it happen? Was it my cruelty? My indifference? My neglect? My pride? My selfishness? My insecurity? This is still an ongoing process for me. Even though my situation wasn't primarily caused by me, it's definitely been eye-opening to search my own heart for my share in the results. 
2. What does God want me to learn through this? This is the whole "school" part of being in a storm. As I've opened my heart and mind to how I need to change, it's been a painful but necessary transformation. I'm confident God isn't finished with me yet! Thankfully, He's a patient, tender Teacher. I'm grateful for how far I've come, knowing it's a lifelong journey.
3. Determine my response. Will I allow this to make me bitter? Or better? We can either become who God created us to be, or we can shrivel up and become hard-hearted. I choose to become better.

What should we not do?

1. Drift. No goal, no purpose, no growth. We're coasting, and as Warren says, "When you're coasting, you're going downhill." Sometimes we're so knocked off our center of balance, it takes a little while to gain footing again. That's ok.
2. Discard. It's tempting during a storm to abandon values and relationships. Warren says, "It's easier to cop out than to develop character." If you're still eye-balling that escape hatch of marriage called "divorce," close it. It is not God's will for us to run from a difficult situation. He wants us to learn and grow.
3. Despair. Don't give up. Even in the storm, God is in control.

My sincere hope is that you'll listen to parts 1, 2 and 3 of Warren's series about dealing with difficulty. Such wise counsel.

Ultimately, my prayer is that no matter what you're going through today, you won't give up. Ever.

Until next time...

Why Me? Why You? Why This Trial?

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Why me?

I'm gonna guess that most of us have asked this question during times of trial and discouragement. Hope seems lost. My world is falling apart. Everyone around me seems to blissfully have their act together.

Why this trial? 

I'm a decent person. Not perfect, but kind. Plenty of mistakes in my past, but plenty of goodness, too. Many times I've laid in bed staring at the ceiling, or sat at work staring at the computer screen wondering why?

Pondering and reasoning cause confusion, and I'm so guilty of stepping into that trap. But sometimes I get a small glimpse of the why. Like when I read Why Trials? by James MacDonald.

I've learned that God allows trials. Even if He didn't cause them, He can use them for our good.

I've often wondered if God caused this trial in my life. Or was it the enemy working against me? Or is it nothing spiritual, but simply my own mistakes that led to this? Or was my whole life with my husband a big, fat mistake? Were we never meant to meet in the snack line during middle school? Those two times I broke up with him but got back together--were those mistakes I should've avoided?

See how confusion and reasoning can become a trap?

Anyway, whatever the cause of my trial, and whatever the cause of your trial, trials can improve our conduct and our character. Here are some snippets from MacDonald's post about Why Trials?:

"A trial is a painful circumstance allowed by God to change my conduct and my character. My conduct—that’s what I do. And then on a deeper level, my character—that’s who I am. Trials signal that God is making adjustments in my actions and my spirit. Several biblical terms are actually interchangeable: trials, suffering, hardship, tribulation, chastising, and discipline. Trials are hard times!"

"Here’s the unalterable fact: Pain is often a central part of God’s purpose in this world. God allows and sometimes even causes pain in our lives. It’s one of the tools He uses to get stubborn sheep to greener pasture."

"Far from abandoning us when we’re going through difficult trials, God moves toward us. He’s not folding His arms; He’s rolling up His sleeves. He’s getting ready to do something in your life that you haven’t previously been willing to let Him do. In fact, trials are proof of love.

Never forget this: When God allows you to experience trials, His motivation is love. His eyes are upon you. His attention is toward you. This is biblical love—a love that’s willing to take you through a valley to get you to a hilltop. No pseudo solutions or quick fixes with God. He is going for deep, lasting change in you, so “he disciplines [you] for [your] good” (Hebrews 12:10).

God’s taking you to a better place. God sees the bull’s-eye, and He’s aiming for it. Like a skilled dentist, God is only drilling out decay, stuff that has made you restless and miserable all your life. When the work is done, your life will be better, but only if you embrace what God is doing."

I can testify to the truth that trials change our conduct and character. Mine have completely changed for the better. Same for my sons. Do I wish it would've happened without all the pain? Of course.

God is taking me and my boys to a better place. I don't know where that is yet, but I see it on the horizon. I feel it deep within my spirit.

Whatever it is you're going through, my hope and prayer is that you'll open your heart to God and what He's trying to do.

Until next time...

Are you full of it?

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Most people love like this:

I need love. I need happiness. I need to feel accepted, approved, and fulfilled. It is your job, spouse, to make me feel all those wonderful things. When you do not succeed in making me feel all those things, it is your fault. You have come up short. I must now move on in my quest to find that one person--the one person who will fill me.

That's the way I loved. That's the way my husband loved. We've been a couple since we were teenagers, growing up and figuring out life together. At one time it seemed our bond was unbreakable. But with expectations like the ones listed above, who or what can withstand that kind of burden?

Most relationships cannot.

I read a great post entitled Living Loved. I truly hope each of you will read the entire article. It's a powerful reminder that no one--NO ONE--can fully fill and complete another person. 

I've read about a study that declared the most a spouse can meet their spouse's needs is 80%. They'll become frustrated because their husband or wife isn't meeting 100% of their needs, so they have an affair and/or leave that person in search for someone else who can then meet all their needs. But once again, they'll soon discover that the new person can only meet 80% of their needs. And on and on it goes--searching for 100% fulfillment from another person, only to be continuously disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Lysa TerKeurst, author of the linked article, writes this:

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen.

I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need. Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying, “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.” This will never set a relationship up for success.

Here’s the secret shift we must make:

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?

Or…

Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

I've done this the wrong way. My guess is that most of us have. But my hope and prayer is that we can all find fullness from God's love for us, instead of desperately searching for it from someone else.

He fills us to overflowing with love by faith. Then we pour that love and blessing onto others.

Until next time...

What's The Point?

 

(photo credit)

It wasn't until later in my difficult season that I was awakened to the idea that there might be a point to what I've gone through. Some of my favorite sayings have become:

"Nothing is wasted."

"Your mess becomes your message."

"Your test can become your testimony."

It's difficult to see this when we're in the midst of deep sorrow. Confusion is a mighty enemy that can drag us down, down, down, until we spend most of our time wondering, What the heck just happened?

Joyce Meyer has an amazing story. As a child, she was sexually abused by her father. This went on for years and years. Her mom, even though she knew about it, didn't help. I can't imagine what that was like. If you haven't yet heard her story, you can listen to it here. It's disturbing, it's painful to hear, and it's powerful.

I listened to another one of her messages, Unshakeable Trust, Part 2. In this message she refers to her painful childhood, and how confused she'd been for so many years. Later she had this epiphany (I'll paraphrase): What if the reason I went through such trials was because some day I'd need to be bold enough to speak out about such horror? What if it was up to me to encourage other victims of sexual abuse? What if that painful season in my life was so I could later use it to help others?

Over the Christmas holiday, my sons and I took a Hawaiian cruise that was meant to include our whole family. Despite the turmoil in our lives, we enjoyed it. Heck, it was paid for. Might as well have fun!

While on that cruise, I came into contact with some amazing people. I connected with a fire chief who knows my husband and was deeply shocked and saddened by what had happened (my son confided in him). We also met a family where the father had experienced something similar in his young life. His dad walked out on their family, leaving his mom to pick up the pieces. 

I lay in bed one morning during that trip, thinking about how frustrating it was to see families destroyed by one person's destructive decisions. It didn't make sense to me. I thought of ways I could connect with the fire chief and go from fire station to fire station, sharing my story and how it's impacted our family. I'd encourage every firefighter to stay, figure it out, get help. Don't leave your family! Don't take what seems like the easy way out.

But then another idea came to me. What if I could speak to first responders and their families through a blog? I like to write, I have a passion about the subject, and I was slowly finding my voice. That's how this blog was born.

How many people are reading it? How many people has it helped? I don't check statistics, but I do hear stories. Before launching the blog, I prayed that the right people would find it at the right time. It'll always be here for anyone who needs it.

I still don't understand what's happened to us, and I still struggle with truckloads of negative emotions. But I've also done a lot of soul-searching and healing. My spiritual journey has been amazingly beautiful.

Whatever it is we go through in life, if we can look at it through the lens of "Nothing is wasted," "My mess can become my message," and "My test can become my testimony," we can see that something bigger is at play here.

What is that for you? What is that for me? I don't know for sure. But if our hearts are open to the possibility, we can see that oftentimes our struggles can be training ground for something powerful.

Until next time...