Are you full of it?

(photo credit)

Most people love like this:

I need love. I need happiness. I need to feel accepted, approved, and fulfilled. It is your job, spouse, to make me feel all those wonderful things. When you do not succeed in making me feel all those things, it is your fault. You have come up short. I must now move on in my quest to find that one person--the one person who will fill me.

That's the way I loved. That's the way my husband loved. We've been a couple since we were teenagers, growing up and figuring out life together. At one time it seemed our bond was unbreakable. But with expectations like the ones listed above, who or what can withstand that kind of burden?

Most relationships cannot.

I read a great post entitled Living Loved. I truly hope each of you will read the entire article. It's a powerful reminder that no one--NO ONE--can fully fill and complete another person. 

I've read about a study that declared the most a spouse can meet their spouse's needs is 80%. They'll become frustrated because their husband or wife isn't meeting 100% of their needs, so they have an affair and/or leave that person in search for someone else who can then meet all their needs. But once again, they'll soon discover that the new person can only meet 80% of their needs. And on and on it goes--searching for 100% fulfillment from another person, only to be continuously disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Lysa TerKeurst, author of the linked article, writes this:

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen.

I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need. Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying, “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.” This will never set a relationship up for success.

Here’s the secret shift we must make:

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?

Or…

Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

I've done this the wrong way. My guess is that most of us have. But my hope and prayer is that we can all find fullness from God's love for us, instead of desperately searching for it from someone else.

He fills us to overflowing with love by faith. Then we pour that love and blessing onto others.

Until next time...

Fakebook

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We've all scrolled through Facebook, right? Down the screen comes endless photos of loving marriages, soon-to-be-professional-athlete kids, and Go-pro worthy vacations. Heck, even the desserts look perfect. Each touched up, strategically lit photo screams at those of us who are hurting, "Those people are perfect, you're not. They've got it all together, you don't."

Is that reality? I used to think so, but now I know better. Despite the smiling Facebook veneers, I know of marriages that are desperate, kids who are struggling, and finances that are on the brink. But if you were to only look at what you see, you'd think there isn't a single, struggling family in your circle of "friends."

I used to love Facebook, and I even posted from time to time. But as my marriage drifted further and further into a dark place, Facebook depressed me. As my husband worked more and more overtime to avoid home, there was that happy couple on another weekend getaway together, smiling in a selfie. As my husband blamed me for his unhappiness, that husband bought his wife another bouquet of flowers. Seeing those images again and again poisoned my heart and drew me deeper into despair.

Facebook can be a positive place to share good news and inspiration. It can also be a dangerous place.

Imagine the neglected husband or wife scrolling through Facebook. They see a post by a former high school flame. In a moment of weakness, they click on that person's profile. They go deep on the photos, and see how perfect that former flame's life has been. Aren't they a wonderful person now? So much better than the current spouse. They click. They send a message. The other person responds. They plan to meet, just to catch up. And soon, an affair begins. It happens all the time.

To be honest, I've considered it. Wouldn't a revenge affair be awesome? Wouldn't that heal my wounded soul, and remind me that I'm valuable? Loved? That I'm not a freakish monster? Thankfully, I never walked that path. But I've been desperate for love and attention, and desperate people do desperate things.

I'm not anti-Facebook. I'm in the "be careful of Facebook" camp. Be careful what you share. Be careful who you connect with. Be careful of how you receive those images. And remember: behind every smiling face is a story. Sometimes that story is full of pain, loss, denial, desperation, envy, rejection, and heartbreak. Everyone is dealing with something, even if it doesn't seem like it.

My nephew calls Facebook "Fakebook." And isn't that the reality?

Until next time...

Good. Worthy. Loved.

(photo credit)

I'm struggling with how to begin this post. Perhaps I can use this example: it may surprise you that authors read their book reviews--sometimes obsessively. There could be 1,000 five-star reviews on their book, but you know which one they'll focus on? The one bad review.

We've all done that from time to time. We have dozens of wonderful people in our lives, but we focus on the one person who isn't on our side. I'm guilty of that on so many levels.

It isn't easy for me to dig this deep and share with you my own inner struggles. But my hope and prayer is that it'll encourage someone out there to see themselves for who they really are--not what they've been told.

I was a relatively confident person until I first found out my husband was unfaithful. As is often the case, the adulterer--my husband--blamed me. And as is often the case, I believed what he said. My head was full of negative thoughts about how I'd created this mess we were in. He convinced me that I was to blame for his infidelity, his unhappiness, and every single problem in his life.

How was I to blame?

I'm not kind enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not cute enough
I'm not sexy enough
I'm not clever enough
I'm not enough fun

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because it's still so raw. I battle these demons every single day. When I find myself in this battle of good vs. evil, I've learned to pray. When I pray, God kindly and gently reminds me of the following:

I am good
Perfect? Not by a long shot. But my heart is in the right place. It's never been my intention to hurt someone or make them feel "less than." I'm a good mom, friend, sister, daughter. I was a good wife. I'm faithful. I'm honest. I try to be fair.

I am worthy
My value is not based on how my husband treated me, or what he thinks of me now. I'm worthy of being cared for, loved, and respected. I'm worthy of faithfulness. I'm worthy of kindness. I'm worthy of forgiveness.

I am loved
Here's where it matters. I am loved. I am loved by my sons. I am loved by my mom, my sisters, my brothers. I am loved by friends. I am loved by co-workers. Most importantly, I am loved by God, Who can never love me more or less than He loves me now.

If you're struggling with low self esteem, if someone has pinned the blame for their actions on you, if you're focusing on your one bad review instead of the many five-star reviews, I encourage you to pray right now. Let God reveal to you how He sees you, and then focus on that.

There are many, many days when I forget these truths about myself. And when I do forget them, I end up feeling such deep despair. There are days when I feel as if I can't get a single thing right. But then I remember...I am good, I am worthy, I am loved.

My face is now a teary, snotty mess. But my sincere hope is that this post has encouraged you to see yourself as you really are: good, worthy, loved. If you don't believe it, email me and I'll convince you. I promise.

Until next time...