I'm struggling with how to begin this post. Perhaps I can use this example: it may surprise you that authors read their book reviews--sometimes obsessively. There could be 1,000 five-star reviews on their book, but you know which one they'll focus on? The one bad review.
We've all done that from time to time. We have dozens of wonderful people in our lives, but we focus on the one person who isn't on our side. I'm guilty of that on so many levels.
It isn't easy for me to dig this deep and share with you my own inner struggles. But my hope and prayer is that it'll encourage someone out there to see themselves for who they really are--not what they've been told.
I was a relatively confident person until I first found out my husband was unfaithful. As is often the case, the adulterer--my husband--blamed me. And as is often the case, I believed what he said. My head was full of negative thoughts about how I'd created this mess we were in. He convinced me that I was to blame for his infidelity, his unhappiness, and every single problem in his life.
How was I to blame?
I'm not kind enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not cute enough
I'm not sexy enough
I'm not clever enough
I'm not enough fun
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because it's still so raw. I battle these demons every single day. When I find myself in this battle of good vs. evil, I've learned to pray. When I pray, God kindly and gently reminds me of the following:
I am good
Perfect? Not by a long shot. But my heart is in the right place. It's never been my intention to hurt someone or make them feel "less than." I'm a good mom, friend, sister, daughter. I was a good wife. I'm faithful. I'm honest. I try to be fair.
I am worthy
My value is not based on how my husband treated me, or what he thinks of me now. I'm worthy of being cared for, loved, and respected. I'm worthy of faithfulness. I'm worthy of kindness. I'm worthy of forgiveness.
I am loved
Here's where it matters. I am loved. I am loved by my sons. I am loved by my mom, my sisters, my brothers. I am loved by friends. I am loved by co-workers. Most importantly, I am loved by God, Who can never love me more or less than He loves me now.
If you're struggling with low self esteem, if someone has pinned the blame for their actions on you, if you're focusing on your one bad review instead of the many five-star reviews, I encourage you to pray right now. Let God reveal to you how He sees you, and then focus on that.
There are many, many days when I forget these truths about myself. And when I do forget them, I end up feeling such deep despair. There are days when I feel as if I can't get a single thing right. But then I remember...I am good, I am worthy, I am loved.
My face is now a teary, snotty mess. But my sincere hope is that this post has encouraged you to see yourself as you really are: good, worthy, loved. If you don't believe it, email me and I'll convince you. I promise.
Until next time...
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