Fear Not

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Fear and worry sometimes come at me like a flash flood--an enormous wall of water with branches, rocks, and debris threatening to knock me off my feet and drown me. 

It may sound dark and melodramatic to the person who's never experienced this type of season in their lives. But if you've been through a painful season like this--or if you're in it now--you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

This morning I woke with heavy feelings of fear. That wall of water was barreling toward me, gaining momentum with every passing thought. 

Fear and worry are formidable enemies that threaten to take me down every single day.

How do we overcome fear? With faith. There's no other way. I truly don't know how people go through dark seasons in their lives without it.

As fearful thoughts raced through my head, I was reminded to ground myself back in my faith. To look up for my answers, not at my circumstances, because my circumstances appear bleak and can be all-consuming.

So, I opened up my devotionals and apps that I usually read to inspire me and strengthen me. And here's what I saw:

It was a clear message: Do not fear!

If you're going through a painful season, or if you're filled with fear and worry, I encourage you to read these over and over again. Line by line. Word by word. God provides rest for the weary. He is our refuge in a storm. He wants us to fear not.

Until next time...

Fighting Against? Or Fighting For?

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In his message, "The Winning Hand," Steven Furtick asks an interesting question: Are you fighting against what you should be fighting for?

He digs deep into the story of David--you know, the David, of David and Goliath fame. After his victory against Goliath, but before he became king, the current king--Saul--became jealous, angry, and bitter, and tried to kill David.

I like to think of myself as David in the David and Goliath story. Little 'ole me up against a mighty warrior. I gather the courage to load the smooth stone into the slingshot, take aim, and slay a giant. Awesome visual, right? 

I do see some of David in me. But after listening to this message, I also see in me some of King Saul. He's tormented. He's frustrated. He's trying to control what he can no longer control. He's fighting against David--the person he should be fighting for. 

In the waning days of my marriage, everything was out of my control. I tried to control my husband. I tried to sway his opinion. I tried to soften his hardened heart. I tried and tried and tried, but I was powerless. 

Have you ever been powerless? It's an awful feeling. 

But it can also be liberating. I don't carry daily guilt about what's happened. I forgave myself a long time ago. I can own my share in the problems, while also recognizing that so much of it was way out of my control. 

Joyce Meyer has a great saying when things are beyond our control: "Say your prayers and cast your cares." It's only when you've lost all semblance of control that you realize you were never in control in the first place. 

Are you fighting against your spouse, when you should be fighting for them? Do you see them as the source of your unhappiness, or do you recognize that you're responsible for your own happiness?

We can't control the "enemies" in our lives. Sure, we can try. I tried manipulating my "enemy" without success. 

Here's the thing: my husband was never my enemy. 

(Note: there are moments when it seems he's my only enemy...trust me, there's a tug of war constantly within me about this).

Likewise, your spouse is not your enemy. Never has been, never will be. Your spouse is your partner in life. He/she has been connected to you by God for a reason. Don't fight against your spouse and your marriage--fight for your spouse. Fight for your marriage. 

If I could do it again, I'd worry less about the little things. I'd focus more on making myself a better person, instead of blaming my husband for not being the person he should be. I'd praise him more, not as a form of manipulation or control, but out of grace and mercy. I'd look for the good in him, rather than stewing over everything he's done wrong. (This is also a constant tug of war within me). 

We're all works in progress, folks. Me, you, your spouse, your children. 

Whenever feelings of anger or insecurity or frustration sneak into your mind, perhaps ask the powerful question Steven Furtick asks: are you fighting against what you should be fighting for?

Until next time...

The Secret of Love

You probably read the title of this post and thought, "Really? You, of all people, are going to write about the secret of love?"

I thought exactly the same thing. What do I know? Look at my life. Look at my marriage. I'm the least qualified person to write about this subject.

Here's how it went down: as I prepared to go on a walk, I flipped through the podcasts I hadn't yet listened to. My heart kept being drawn to a three-part series by Rick Warren called "The Secrets of Lasting Love." I scrolled past it again and again, and yet I kept coming back to it. Why listen to this, I asked God. It just torments me. But I have this blog, and so I listened to all three parts in hopes that I could simply be the messenger about how to create a love that lasts. I figured I'd take one for the team, so I jotted down notes.

Midway through the third message, I was in tears. I realized this wasn't about me simply being a messenger. This message was for me. It's for you. It's for anyone who wants to love well. It's for the married couple that's happy, and it's for the marriage that's headed for divorce. It's for engaged couples ready to make the sacred promise to each other. It's for parents who want to love their children well, and for friends who feel betrayed.

But the main focus is marriage. Here are some sad statistics about marriage:

Divorce rates for 1st marriages = 41%
Divorce rates for 2nd marriages = 60%
Divorce rates for 3rd marriages = 73%

Ask any couple who's been married a long time and chances are they'll all say they've climbed some rugged mountains. No marriage is perfect! Many felt like giving up. Leaving. Pulling the lever on the magical escape hatch: divorce.

I'll share some of my notes from Rick Warren's messages, but I highly, highly recommend you listen to all three parts. I promise, you'll be inspired. 

The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 1
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 2
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 3

I'll summarize some of Warren's words:

Lasting love never stops being patient
Love extends grace. It forgives. We ourselves want mercy, grace, and forgiveness, right? Why not give it to others? Let's not burn the very bridge we will need ourselves.

Lasting love never stops believing
Love expresses faith. It tells the person you love that you believe in them. You trust them. Can't trust your husband? Can't trust your wife? Then trust God. He knows what He's doing, and He can do in the other person what we can't.

Lasting love never stops hoping
Love expects the best. It's optimistic. It's forward-looking, not focused on the past.

Lasting love never gives up
Love endures the worst. It's persistent, resolute. One of the biggest secrets of lasting love is this: stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go.

In his years of counseling marriages, Rick Warren says most marriages could be saved with these two words: grow up. Set aside pride, ego, and selfishness.

Two things he said struck me like a blow to the gut:

1) "Guys, you want your wives to treat you like a king? Then treat her like a queen."
2) "What kills marriages? Neglect."

The true secret to lasting love is letting God's love flow through you to the other person. Human love wears out. His love does not.

Until next time...

Just Keep Swimming

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"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -- Nelson Mandela

There have been times in the past couple of years when I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I'd wake with a heaviness on my heart that was seemingly impossible to bear. Immediately my mind filled with all that was wrong in my world, and all that was ahead of me. Soon the despair was difficult to shake. 

On those days, it helped tremendously that I was raising three sons. I couldn't simply waste the day away. The boys had to be cared for, loved, and given attention. Permission slips needed to be signed, classes chosen for the next semester, etc. I had to keep moving.

There's a scene in the film, "Finding Nemo" when Nemo's dad thinks all is lost. Dory encourages him by singing, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." Those three words have become an anthem of sorts...instructions on what to do when we don't know what to do.

As we go through trials, sometimes all we can do is simply put one foot in front of the other. Move. Do something. Anything. 

I'm reading Joyce Meyer's book "Get Your Hopes Up." She likes to call it her happy book.

She points out that when people are hurt and frightened, they become passive. They freeze, and stop moving. That absolutely describes me in the early days of this hurtful season in my life.

Meyer says this: "If you've dealt with a hurt that has you frozen in your tracks, I'm not making light of your pain. Trust me; I've gone through plenty of trying times that have hurt so badly I felt like I couldn't keep going. I understand what you're going through, because I too have felt paralyzed by a hardship. But I do want to encourage you in the midst of your pain that sometimes the very best thing you can do is just keep moving.

You may not have all the answers yet. You may still be shocked by the circumstances. You may even feel like the world is caving in around you. But in the midst of those difficulties, if you'll just keep moving, it will help you not to become hopeless."

Hope. It's impossible to live without it. During times of trouble, if we remain hopeful about what's ahead, it'll help get us through trials. 

If you're in the midst of your own struggle, I want to encourage you to just keep swimming. Move forward. Take steps of faith, even if they're small and wear you out. Even if the one thing you do today is not give up hope, that's something. 

Take these words from Joyce Meyer's book to heart: "If you're not walking, you have no hope of arriving somewhere new."

Until next time...

Scars Tell Stories

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There's a story behind every scar. 

An enthusiastic football player might excitedly tell the story about how he got that cleat-shaped scar on his shin...how he rushed those extra yards and made the touchdown, despite the punctured skin. 

The ex-con might be less enthused to tell the story of how he got that silver scar across his cheek. 

My life group friend is a Purple Heart recipient. His scars tell a story of uncommon bravery and perseverance.

Battles leave scars. Sometimes visible, sometimes invisible. Battles also change our identities.

The Bible tells the story of Jacob, and how after his wrestling match with God, his name was changed to Israel. After Saul of Tarsus encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus, he became the Apostle Paul. 

My season of difficulty has changed me. It's humbled me. It's softened me. It's changed my outlook, my priorities, and my walk with God. It's changed my sons. It's altered our life courses in ways I never imagined. 

I can finally write about my struggles, but I still can't talk openly about them in person. They're too raw and painful. But my struggles are leaving scars that can become beautiful.

Just as the breast cancer survivor can point to her purple scar and say, "See? I'm a fighter and an overcomer. Let me help you through your battle." The wounded warrior can point to his jagged scars and say, "I survived. I made a difference. You, fellow warrior, made a difference, too." That's beautiful. 

The wounds in our hearts and in our minds may take longer than the physical wounds to heal. And perhaps they never completely go away. They leave scars. But those scars tell stories. And in the telling of our stories, hopefully we can inspire and encourage others. 

Throughout my trials, God has transformed me into a fighter, a worshiper, a forgiver. He's given me the quiet confidence that He's got my back, and that my scars are here for a reason. 

This blog tells the story of my scars. The ugly scars, the bumpy scars, the embarrassing scars, and the beautiful scars. 

Whatever scars you've developed in your trials, I want you to know you're beautiful. Just the way you are. Ultimately, you'll use those scars to help others. Because that's how it works. Those who've gone forth in battle help those who come behind.

Until next time...