"Every Storm is a School"

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"Every storm is a school." -- Rick Warren

In his podcast, "How to Deal with Difficulty, Part 2," Rick Warren says, "Every storm is a school." I like that. It's a fresh reminder that during all seasons of life--the good and not so good--there is something we can learn. It's true that we seem to learn the most from the trials in life, though.

I'll paraphrase one of Warren's blunt statements: during a storm, don't give up. Grow up.

Boy, did I have a lot of growing up to do. And I still have a long way to go. But thankfully I'm not where I used to be.

When dealing with difficulty, Warren gives us some advice on what to do and what not to do. I'll list them below, and add my own personal reflections.

What should we do?

1. Determine the reason for the difficulty. What made it happen? Was it my cruelty? My indifference? My neglect? My pride? My selfishness? My insecurity? This is still an ongoing process for me. Even though my situation wasn't primarily caused by me, it's definitely been eye-opening to search my own heart for my share in the results. 
2. What does God want me to learn through this? This is the whole "school" part of being in a storm. As I've opened my heart and mind to how I need to change, it's been a painful but necessary transformation. I'm confident God isn't finished with me yet! Thankfully, He's a patient, tender Teacher. I'm grateful for how far I've come, knowing it's a lifelong journey.
3. Determine my response. Will I allow this to make me bitter? Or better? We can either become who God created us to be, or we can shrivel up and become hard-hearted. I choose to become better.

What should we not do?

1. Drift. No goal, no purpose, no growth. We're coasting, and as Warren says, "When you're coasting, you're going downhill." Sometimes we're so knocked off our center of balance, it takes a little while to gain footing again. That's ok.
2. Discard. It's tempting during a storm to abandon values and relationships. Warren says, "It's easier to cop out than to develop character." If you're still eye-balling that escape hatch of marriage called "divorce," close it. It is not God's will for us to run from a difficult situation. He wants us to learn and grow.
3. Despair. Don't give up. Even in the storm, God is in control.

My sincere hope is that you'll listen to parts 1, 2 and 3 of Warren's series about dealing with difficulty. Such wise counsel.

Ultimately, my prayer is that no matter what you're going through today, you won't give up. Ever.

Until next time...

The Secret of Love

You probably read the title of this post and thought, "Really? You, of all people, are going to write about the secret of love?"

I thought exactly the same thing. What do I know? Look at my life. Look at my marriage. I'm the least qualified person to write about this subject.

Here's how it went down: as I prepared to go on a walk, I flipped through the podcasts I hadn't yet listened to. My heart kept being drawn to a three-part series by Rick Warren called "The Secrets of Lasting Love." I scrolled past it again and again, and yet I kept coming back to it. Why listen to this, I asked God. It just torments me. But I have this blog, and so I listened to all three parts in hopes that I could simply be the messenger about how to create a love that lasts. I figured I'd take one for the team, so I jotted down notes.

Midway through the third message, I was in tears. I realized this wasn't about me simply being a messenger. This message was for me. It's for you. It's for anyone who wants to love well. It's for the married couple that's happy, and it's for the marriage that's headed for divorce. It's for engaged couples ready to make the sacred promise to each other. It's for parents who want to love their children well, and for friends who feel betrayed.

But the main focus is marriage. Here are some sad statistics about marriage:

Divorce rates for 1st marriages = 41%
Divorce rates for 2nd marriages = 60%
Divorce rates for 3rd marriages = 73%

Ask any couple who's been married a long time and chances are they'll all say they've climbed some rugged mountains. No marriage is perfect! Many felt like giving up. Leaving. Pulling the lever on the magical escape hatch: divorce.

I'll share some of my notes from Rick Warren's messages, but I highly, highly recommend you listen to all three parts. I promise, you'll be inspired. 

The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 1
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 2
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 3

I'll summarize some of Warren's words:

Lasting love never stops being patient
Love extends grace. It forgives. We ourselves want mercy, grace, and forgiveness, right? Why not give it to others? Let's not burn the very bridge we will need ourselves.

Lasting love never stops believing
Love expresses faith. It tells the person you love that you believe in them. You trust them. Can't trust your husband? Can't trust your wife? Then trust God. He knows what He's doing, and He can do in the other person what we can't.

Lasting love never stops hoping
Love expects the best. It's optimistic. It's forward-looking, not focused on the past.

Lasting love never gives up
Love endures the worst. It's persistent, resolute. One of the biggest secrets of lasting love is this: stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go.

In his years of counseling marriages, Rick Warren says most marriages could be saved with these two words: grow up. Set aside pride, ego, and selfishness.

Two things he said struck me like a blow to the gut:

1) "Guys, you want your wives to treat you like a king? Then treat her like a queen."
2) "What kills marriages? Neglect."

The true secret to lasting love is letting God's love flow through you to the other person. Human love wears out. His love does not.

Until next time...

Forgiven

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If I were to list my biggest struggles, forgiveness would rank high. It wasn't until I was deep into this paralyzing season of my life that I realized I was harboring a whole lot of unforgiveness.

Rick Warren did a series entitled "The Amazing Power of Forgiveness." In that series, he points out that forgiveness doesn't excuse the other person's behavior, nor does it force us to trust that person who's hurt us. Besides, forgiveness isn't for the other person. It's for us. Forgiveness enables us to release bitterness and soften a hardened heart.

As the image above suggests, the person who refuses to forgive is the prisoner. The other person may have moved on and doesn't even care if you do or don't forgive.

One of Warren's suggestions is to grab a pad of paper and a pen, and isolate yourself somewhere quiet. Write at the top of the paper 1 John 1:9, which says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Humbly pray with an open heart, asking God to bring to mind anything and everything that needs to be forgiven. Then ask God for forgiveness. If there's a person who's been wronged on that list, if possible reach out to them and ask for forgiveness. Finally, tear the paper up, knowing you've been forgiven.

That's it!

I did this exercise, and believe me, it was powerful. It was also quite liberating. Three pages later, I was finally done. I'd been forgiven. Now when things pop up that I know I've done wrong, I immediately ask for forgiveness, and then I accept it with gratitude. My slate, and my conscience, are clean.

Soon after my husband left, I read a book about marriage (I can't remember which one) that suggested I acknowledge my part in the failed marriage. My natural inclination was to blame my husband for everything. So it wasn't easy, but I did it. I made a list of areas where I knew I was wrong, and went to my husband and asked his forgiveness. He said he forgave me. He truly hasn't forgiven me, though, because he still brings up those ancient issues. But that's a heart issue between him and God. I can't control that.

Next came the hard part: forgiving. It's easier to ask for forgiveness and receive it than to offer it to someone who perhaps doesn't deserve it. But what I've learned is that I truly don't deserve it, either. But still, God graciously gives it to me. And so I've forgiven my husband every day, even though he's never asked for it. Not even once.

What I've noticed is that I'm not carrying bitterness around with me anymore, like a heavy backpack full of jagged rocks. 

Your person may not ask for forgiveness. They may not deserve it. And you most definitely won't feel like giving it. But carrying around all that unforgiveness is a burden we aren't meant to carry.

Ask for forgiveness, forgive your person, and then let it go. You'll be glad you did.

Until next time...

Don't Waste Your Pain

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I listened to a series of podcasts by Rick Warren of Daily Hope entitled Never Waste Your Pain parts one and two. Joel Osteen also has a wonderful message, Don't Waste Your Pain.

In a nutshell, Warren teaches how God uses pain to help us fulfill our purpose. We shouldn't be ashamed of our pain--we should use it. (By the way, I'm still sometimes ashamed of what's going on in my family, even though I can't control it. Obviously more growth is needed in this area!)

This blog was formed out of my own pain, and my sincere hope is that it'll help others who are going through similar situations. Before this pain barreled into my life uninvited, my thoughts were all about me, me, me. Even now I still struggle with self-centered thoughts and wishes, but hey, we're all works in progress, right?

How is pain used to fulfill God's purpose for our lives?

1. God uses pain to draw us closer to Him. People either run to God or away from God. I'm so thankful I'm in the "run to" camp. Seriously. I have no idea how people go through such trauma without faith in their lives. I've had to learn how to surrender it all, and allow Him to work within me. 2 Corinthians 4:8 says this: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." I wouldn't have learned this truth without going through pain.
2. God uses pain to draw me closer to others. Warren called this "the fellowship of suffering." In other words, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Pain can teach us how to really love. I see people so differently now. If someone is acting angrily or irrationally, I now recognize that they're going through some sort of pain themselves. Going through pain teaches us to reach out and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It's taught me to (try to) keep my eyes off myself. 
3. I can use pain to become more like Jesus. This is all about growth in character. I've noticed it not only in myself, but in my three sons as well. Galatians 5:22-23 teaches "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Have I experienced tremendous growth in each of these areas? Yep. How? We learn to grow in these areas by going through difficulty. But that growth is a choice. Some people allow pain to make them bitter. But Proverbs 20:30 teaches how a painful situation can change our ways and build resilience; "Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being."
   
4. I can use my pain to help others. As I mentioned, this blog was born from my own pain. Sure, I kept it all bottled up inside for a while. But then I felt pressed to speak out about my pain, and how I've coped and what I've learned from it. We will all experience pain. God has patiently taught me how to take a moment to stop complaining and pay attention to the needs of others. He's taught me how to pull myself out of my pity party and refocus on the pain of others. He's taught me how to encourage others who are in pain. 2 Corinthians 1:4 reminds us of this beautiful truth: "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." Who better to help someone who's going through cancer than a cancer survivor? Who can better help a victim of rape than another victim of rape?
5. I can use my pain to witness to the world. When I hear the word "evangelism," I get very nervous. But Warren reminds us that the highest form of evangelizing is to witness during our pain. The world isn't impressed with how we handle prosperity. Sheesh, anyone can handle prosperity and good times well. No, it's all about how we handle adversity. Our successes don't give us credibility...what gives us credibility is how we handle difficulties. Case in point: I've always been impressed by my sons, but the way they've handled this adversity makes them even more impressive. And now they're out there helping others who are hurting. What a beautiful gift that was born out of tremendous pain.

Our deepest life message will come out of our deepest pain. As hard as the pain is to go through, it's important to remind ourselves that we're "going through." We don't have to remain stuck in the painful place. 

We will all experience pain in our lives. The question is, will we use it for good? Or will it be wasted?

Until next time...

A Time to Grieve

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I listented to a podcast by Rick Warren entitled Sorrow--Getting Through Life’s Losses, Part 1. A few years ago Rick Warren lost his adult son to suicide. He and his family learned a great deal about sorrow during that time, and he shares those lessons with us.

Loss is unavoidable, but grief is a choice

Warren reminds us that grief is part of our spiritual growth. Oh, how I wish it wasn’t! I wish I didn’t have to go through something so awful in order to grow spiritually.

After my husband walked out on our family, my initial reaction was shock. Who was this man I’d married? Was this dark side within him all along? Why wouldn’t he put any effort into saving something so important? Did I really love him? And if I did, how could I love a man who would do such a thing?

After the shock wore off, I began to grieve what was lost. The marriage, the family ties, the vision of what our future would be. No, I didn’t lose someone to death. Instead, I lost someone who walked away by choice. Such a loss is difficult to process.

Grief is healthy

Warren tells us that grief is the only healthy response after losing something that matters so much to us: a person, a relationship, good health, a career, finanical security, etc. He points out that it’s unhealthy to deny a loss. Sadness does not equal weakness. Just because we’re sad about what’s lost doesn’t mean we’re weak. 

God grieves with me

The reason I’m able to grieve is because I'm made in the image of God, and God grieves. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I’ve never felt closer to God than I have during this difficult season.

Grief is healed in community

Warren says we need each other, and that we're better together.

I struggle in this area. I’m naturally close-lipped about my struggles, and tend to be very private about my personal life. For six weeks, no one knew my husband had walked out on us. I was even able to hide it from our kids for six weeks. (Think about that profound statement for a minute). My sisters and I are extremely close, and I didn’t tell them for six weeks as well. Part of me kept hoping it would all smooth over before there was disruption in our kids’ lives, but that wasn’t meant to be.

I still don’t open up about my situation, except to very few trusted people. But those few trusted people have been amazingly supportive to me and my sons. Plus, since opening up, I’ve learned I’m not the only one going through this type of situation. There’s a crisis with marriages, and with men (and some women) remaining faithful and committed through the long haul. I didn’t realize the depth of the crisis until I opened up.

Grief takes time

You cannot rush it. You don't get over grief, you get through it. The Bible reminds us there’s a time and a season for everything, including grief. Let’s not rush ourselves through it. And let’s not rush others through it, either.

May we all heal in the time and space we need, and may we all draw closer to God through our grief.

If you’ve experienced any kind of sorrow, or loss, or if you’re grieving for any reason, I highly recommend you listen to Rick Warren’s whole series about sorrow.

Are you grieving? Would you like to talk to me personally? If so, leave a comment and I’ll send you my direct email address.

Until next time...

Love is a Choice

“Love is a choice.”

I’ve heard this statement so many times since my marital struggles began. I’ll likely share multiple versions of this truth, because it’s become so important to me.

Most people think of love as an emotion...a feeling. But emotions are fickle, and feelings change quickly. If we’d treat love as a choice we’re willing to make, marriages would have a stronger chance of survival.

Recently, I heard a great message from Rick Warren. In his message, he did a short comparison between Hollywood’s formula for marriage vs. God’s formula for marriage. It’s entertaining, but it also illustrates the point.

Warren compared it this way:

Hollywood’s formula for marriage

1. Find the right person.
2. Fall in love.
3. Fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person forever.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3 as often as necessary.

God’s formula for marriage

1. Instead of finding the right person, become the right person. Build character. Live with integrity.
2. Instead of falling in love, walk in love. Love is a choice, and 100% within our control. If someone says, “I fell out of love with my spouse” it’s because they made the choice to fall in and out of love. Love is the choice to be “other” centered instead of “self” centered.
3. Fix your hope on God, and honor Him through your relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.

I’m not an expert on the subject, obviously, and I for sure don’t have all the answers. But the truth that love is a choice makes such sense to me. We make so many choices as couples...what careers will we pursue? Where will we live? When should we have kids? Will we fight for our marriage, or will we give up--causing ourselves and our children a lot of pain?

Why not make the most important choice of all? To love.

If you’re struggling in your marriage, and you’re feeling as if you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, I urge you to make the choice to love. Once the choice to love has been made, then you'd search for ways to reconnect, treat your spouse well, and grow closer in the process.

I hope you'll listen to the message in the above link. My hope and prayer is that your marriage will flourish.

Until next time...