Quiet Love

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We're nearing the end of 2017--and what a year it's been. There are many parts of 2017 I'd like bury deep, deep in the soil, never to reflect on again. But there are also joyful, precious, tender moments in 2017 that I'll cherish in my heart forever. Life is crazy like that, isn't it?

The holidays can be stressful and busy. They can also be quite painful. For the woman whose husband recently walked out on her, these holidays were filled with confusion, anger, and sorrow. She's looking ahead to an uncertain future. For the husband who just found out his wife was unfaithful, he's holding his head in his hands, wondering where he went wrong. For the people who are struggling with their finances, their kids, or their health, they may be wondering, "Will this ever get better?"

When we're pondering where we are and what we're going through, our thoughts are busy, frantic, bewildered. Our minds are anything but quiet.

I loved this post, "Unchanging Reality," by James MacDonald. In it, MacDonald shares this verse:

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. --Zephaniah 3:17 (emphasis mine)

I strongly urge you to read the whole post. But here's a small sample:

"When you’re hurting, the worst support can be the person who rushes in with a thousand things to say, like “I know how you feel.” People say so much, yet the One who could say everything says nothing at first. No judgment. No condemnation. No questioning. No pressure for you to explain. Just there, present with you. Silent.

He will quiet Himself, and He will quiet you. He will quiet your mind that reviews, reviews, reviews. He will quiet your heart that hurts, hurts, hurts. He will quiet your mouth that might lash out in pain to hurt others.

How does He quiet you? With His love. When He breaks the silence, He will be singing over you a song. The song is about the Father’s love—His immense, unchanging, unrelenting, undeserved, all-forgiving, all-knowing, all-penetrating, all-healing love for you."

Review, review, review. Hurt, hurt, hurt. Lashing out in pain. Boy, have I done plenty of that. But now, more than ever, I'm quietly receiving love. 

No matter what someone else has told you. No matter if they left, or threatened to leave. No matter if they told you lies about your worth. And no matter how bleak your future may seem. Know this: you are loved. You don't have to earn it, all you have to do is receive it.

And let it quiet you.

Until next time...

The Love Dare

This week I'd like to highly recommend a book--The Love Dare, by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. 

From the back cover:

Though unconditional love is promised at weddings, it is rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes often fade into disappointment at home. But it doesn't have to stay that way.

Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, this 40-day journey (featured in the hit movie Fireproof) challenges husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. If you desire greater intimacy, friendship, and fulfillment in your marriage, let it begin where millions have started. With a dare.

From the inside flap:

Receive this as a warning.

This forty-day journey cannot

be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often

difficult process, but an incredibly 

fulfilling one. To take this dare

requires a resolute mind and a

steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly

tested, and those who quit early will

forfeit the greatest benefits. If you

will commit to a day at a time for forty

days, the results could change your

life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others

who have done it before you.

If your marriage is healthy, this dare can make it ever better.

If your marriage is struggling, this dare can bring new life.

If your marriage is considered doomed, this dare can be the miracle you seek.

My hope and prayer is that you'll read The Love Dare, and put each chapter into action. I also hope you'll take the time to watch Fireproof. I've posted the movie trailer below.

Until next time...

Forgive, Pray, Forward

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There's quite a bit of turmoil going on in my family right now. My boys and I, the four of us, are solid. My oldest son says we're like four wheels of a car, moving together in unison. I love that imagery. But where their dad is concerned, there's definitely darkness and division.

Too often in prayer I ramble on and do all the talking. But sometimes, when I stop my rambling (and let's be honest--complaining), I feel as if God is speaking directly to me. Words float in my mind that are not from me. They couldn't be. 

Recently, these words came to me in a moment of quiet listening:

Forgive him

Pray for him

Look forward

Forgive Him

I've blogged about this before. And I'm totally up front with you when I say this is my biggest struggle. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own or in my own power. I pray over it. I ask God to help me forgive. I don't want to carry that heavy baggage wherever I go. Does he deserve my forgiveness? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Pray for Him

I've blogged about this before as well. The Bible says, "bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." (Luke 6:28) This is soooo hard to do (right up there with forgiveness). When my negative thoughts turn to blaming, bitterness, judgement, and anger, that's when I know it's time to shut off that junk and pray for him. Does he deserve my prayer? That's not the question. Have I been commanded to do it? Yes.

Look Forward

Ah, here is where things get interesting. For so long I've been praying for healing and restoration, despite my circumstances. Little by little, though, God has been working on me. He's teaching me to stop looking behind, and to instead look forward. My precious son sent me this verse one day: 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 

--Jeremiah 29:11-13

Prosper me, not harm me. Hope and a future. These are gifts that this faith journey has given me. First of all, I've been blessed with a son who sends me that verse! But I've been blessed with this beautiful faith that reminds me to live with expectancy.

Wherever you are in your own journey, whether it's in the beginning--in the "what the heck just happened" phase--or somewhere else down the road, here's my advice: pray. But don't just tell God all your problems. He already knows. Come to Him with your hurts and concerns, and He will give you rest. But also come to Him and listen. Get quiet, and wait. See what He plants in your heart.

Until next time...

SaveSave

Are you full of it?

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Most people love like this:

I need love. I need happiness. I need to feel accepted, approved, and fulfilled. It is your job, spouse, to make me feel all those wonderful things. When you do not succeed in making me feel all those things, it is your fault. You have come up short. I must now move on in my quest to find that one person--the one person who will fill me.

That's the way I loved. That's the way my husband loved. We've been a couple since we were teenagers, growing up and figuring out life together. At one time it seemed our bond was unbreakable. But with expectations like the ones listed above, who or what can withstand that kind of burden?

Most relationships cannot.

I read a great post entitled Living Loved. I truly hope each of you will read the entire article. It's a powerful reminder that no one--NO ONE--can fully fill and complete another person. 

I've read about a study that declared the most a spouse can meet their spouse's needs is 80%. They'll become frustrated because their husband or wife isn't meeting 100% of their needs, so they have an affair and/or leave that person in search for someone else who can then meet all their needs. But once again, they'll soon discover that the new person can only meet 80% of their needs. And on and on it goes--searching for 100% fulfillment from another person, only to be continuously disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Lysa TerKeurst, author of the linked article, writes this:

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen.

I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need. Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying, “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.” This will never set a relationship up for success.

Here’s the secret shift we must make:

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?

Or…

Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

I've done this the wrong way. My guess is that most of us have. But my hope and prayer is that we can all find fullness from God's love for us, instead of desperately searching for it from someone else.

He fills us to overflowing with love by faith. Then we pour that love and blessing onto others.

Until next time...

The Secret of Love

You probably read the title of this post and thought, "Really? You, of all people, are going to write about the secret of love?"

I thought exactly the same thing. What do I know? Look at my life. Look at my marriage. I'm the least qualified person to write about this subject.

Here's how it went down: as I prepared to go on a walk, I flipped through the podcasts I hadn't yet listened to. My heart kept being drawn to a three-part series by Rick Warren called "The Secrets of Lasting Love." I scrolled past it again and again, and yet I kept coming back to it. Why listen to this, I asked God. It just torments me. But I have this blog, and so I listened to all three parts in hopes that I could simply be the messenger about how to create a love that lasts. I figured I'd take one for the team, so I jotted down notes.

Midway through the third message, I was in tears. I realized this wasn't about me simply being a messenger. This message was for me. It's for you. It's for anyone who wants to love well. It's for the married couple that's happy, and it's for the marriage that's headed for divorce. It's for engaged couples ready to make the sacred promise to each other. It's for parents who want to love their children well, and for friends who feel betrayed.

But the main focus is marriage. Here are some sad statistics about marriage:

Divorce rates for 1st marriages = 41%
Divorce rates for 2nd marriages = 60%
Divorce rates for 3rd marriages = 73%

Ask any couple who's been married a long time and chances are they'll all say they've climbed some rugged mountains. No marriage is perfect! Many felt like giving up. Leaving. Pulling the lever on the magical escape hatch: divorce.

I'll share some of my notes from Rick Warren's messages, but I highly, highly recommend you listen to all three parts. I promise, you'll be inspired. 

The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 1
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 2
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 3

I'll summarize some of Warren's words:

Lasting love never stops being patient
Love extends grace. It forgives. We ourselves want mercy, grace, and forgiveness, right? Why not give it to others? Let's not burn the very bridge we will need ourselves.

Lasting love never stops believing
Love expresses faith. It tells the person you love that you believe in them. You trust them. Can't trust your husband? Can't trust your wife? Then trust God. He knows what He's doing, and He can do in the other person what we can't.

Lasting love never stops hoping
Love expects the best. It's optimistic. It's forward-looking, not focused on the past.

Lasting love never gives up
Love endures the worst. It's persistent, resolute. One of the biggest secrets of lasting love is this: stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go.

In his years of counseling marriages, Rick Warren says most marriages could be saved with these two words: grow up. Set aside pride, ego, and selfishness.

Two things he said struck me like a blow to the gut:

1) "Guys, you want your wives to treat you like a king? Then treat her like a queen."
2) "What kills marriages? Neglect."

The true secret to lasting love is letting God's love flow through you to the other person. Human love wears out. His love does not.

Until next time...

Love is a Choice

“Love is a choice.”

I’ve heard this statement so many times since my marital struggles began. I’ll likely share multiple versions of this truth, because it’s become so important to me.

Most people think of love as an emotion...a feeling. But emotions are fickle, and feelings change quickly. If we’d treat love as a choice we’re willing to make, marriages would have a stronger chance of survival.

Recently, I heard a great message from Rick Warren. In his message, he did a short comparison between Hollywood’s formula for marriage vs. God’s formula for marriage. It’s entertaining, but it also illustrates the point.

Warren compared it this way:

Hollywood’s formula for marriage

1. Find the right person.
2. Fall in love.
3. Fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person forever.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3 as often as necessary.

God’s formula for marriage

1. Instead of finding the right person, become the right person. Build character. Live with integrity.
2. Instead of falling in love, walk in love. Love is a choice, and 100% within our control. If someone says, “I fell out of love with my spouse” it’s because they made the choice to fall in and out of love. Love is the choice to be “other” centered instead of “self” centered.
3. Fix your hope on God, and honor Him through your relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.

I’m not an expert on the subject, obviously, and I for sure don’t have all the answers. But the truth that love is a choice makes such sense to me. We make so many choices as couples...what careers will we pursue? Where will we live? When should we have kids? Will we fight for our marriage, or will we give up--causing ourselves and our children a lot of pain?

Why not make the most important choice of all? To love.

If you’re struggling in your marriage, and you’re feeling as if you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, I urge you to make the choice to love. Once the choice to love has been made, then you'd search for ways to reconnect, treat your spouse well, and grow closer in the process.

I hope you'll listen to the message in the above link. My hope and prayer is that your marriage will flourish.

Until next time...