Change Your "Why?" to "How?"

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Every once in a while, I read something that literally drops my jaw. Such was the case when I read, "Ask God How, Not Why" by Laura Story, author of "When God Doesn't Fix It."

If you're going through something--or have gone through something in your past--that does not make any sense at all, I urge you to read through the entire post. If your mind is open, the post will drop your jaw, too.

Story suggests an exercise. Take a sheet of paper and write down all your "Why" questions. I have a list of Why questions that I've marinated on in the past. You have your own Why questions. Then she suggests you flip the page and write some How questions.

I love the metaphorical act of flipping the page. It's as if we're saying, "Ok, I have lots of Why questions. Now I'm switching from the Why. I'm moving on to How."

She gives a list of suggested How questions, but you can make up your own. Her suggestions were enough to blow me away.

I highly recommend you do this. No matter what difficulty you're going through, I promise, this exercise will help you. Because my guess is this: what you're going through does NOT compute!

But here's where my jaw dropped. Story says this in closing:

God is good. He knows what, with His help, we can handle and where we most need to see His work. It's easy to sign up for a short-term mission project or donate money to a building campaign at church. And it's true; we can see God working in those places. But would you be willing to sign up for the brokenness in your life, if you knew your brokenness would bring glory to God and enable you to learn to trust Him in everything? We're tempted to measure our circumstances on the world's scale, but God's economy uses God-sized scales. His story is so much bigger than ours, and one day when we see it in totality, we'll have all the answers we desire.

Whoa! What? Check out the area I highlighted. I did sign up for a short term mission project. I do donate money to the church for building campaigns. But would I have signed up for the brokenness in my life to glorify God and learn to trust Him in everything? 

No way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I never would've signed up for it. But I do see how it's working for my good. Truly. Pain has a way of changing people--for better or worse. For me and my sons, it's changing us for the better. That's because God is in it, working, changing, transforming. 

Do yourself a favor: read the post, do the exercise, and let your mind wander from Why to How. 

Until next time...

Battle Weary

I woke in the morning, feeling battle weary. It seemed as if battle lines surrounded me on all sides, inching closer, closer, closer. Imagine me in the middle, fists up, ready to fight, fearful eyes drooping from the weight of it all. 

A short time later I received the above image from a friend. It impacted me so much, I drew a sharp breath. 

The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. Exodus 14:14

It was a fresh (and much needed) reminder that I wasn't in this alone. Not only that, but I don't even need to fight. It was also a fresh reminder that God places certain people in our lives for a reason. It's not a coincidence that she and I are friends. It was our Creator strategically linking us together.

Sometimes I'm good about surrendering it all to God--giving it all to Him, since I have no idea what to do with it. 

But I seem to be equally adept at taking those worries back--trying to figure it all out. My mind plays a constant loop of, "What do I do if this happens?" "Might as well expect the worst, so I'm prepared." "How in the world will I handle that situation when (if?) it happens?"

I devise a Plan A, and a Plan B. On and on I seem to marinate in the "what if" thoughts that torment me. 

This image my friend sent me was like God tapping me on the shoulder, saying, "This battle is Mine, not yours. Remember? Release it to Me.  Be still, and know that I am God."

Imagine me now in that same fighting position. Hands fisted. But now my clenched fingers loosen, straighten. My open hands flip over in an act of surrender and praise. Instead of devising an alternate plan to the alternate plan, I simply say, "Thank you, God, for promising to fight my battles for me."

He will give me the grace I need for this season. With those open hands, I receive that grace by faith. 

If you're feeling battle weary, I encourage you to receive this promise. Release your trouble, let it go, and let God fight your battle for you. It's not your battle, it's His.

Until next time...

A Time to Grieve

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I listented to a podcast by Rick Warren entitled Sorrow--Getting Through Life’s Losses, Part 1. A few years ago Rick Warren lost his adult son to suicide. He and his family learned a great deal about sorrow during that time, and he shares those lessons with us.

Loss is unavoidable, but grief is a choice

Warren reminds us that grief is part of our spiritual growth. Oh, how I wish it wasn’t! I wish I didn’t have to go through something so awful in order to grow spiritually.

After my husband walked out on our family, my initial reaction was shock. Who was this man I’d married? Was this dark side within him all along? Why wouldn’t he put any effort into saving something so important? Did I really love him? And if I did, how could I love a man who would do such a thing?

After the shock wore off, I began to grieve what was lost. The marriage, the family ties, the vision of what our future would be. No, I didn’t lose someone to death. Instead, I lost someone who walked away by choice. Such a loss is difficult to process.

Grief is healthy

Warren tells us that grief is the only healthy response after losing something that matters so much to us: a person, a relationship, good health, a career, finanical security, etc. He points out that it’s unhealthy to deny a loss. Sadness does not equal weakness. Just because we’re sad about what’s lost doesn’t mean we’re weak. 

God grieves with me

The reason I’m able to grieve is because I'm made in the image of God, and God grieves. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I’ve never felt closer to God than I have during this difficult season.

Grief is healed in community

Warren says we need each other, and that we're better together.

I struggle in this area. I’m naturally close-lipped about my struggles, and tend to be very private about my personal life. For six weeks, no one knew my husband had walked out on us. I was even able to hide it from our kids for six weeks. (Think about that profound statement for a minute). My sisters and I are extremely close, and I didn’t tell them for six weeks as well. Part of me kept hoping it would all smooth over before there was disruption in our kids’ lives, but that wasn’t meant to be.

I still don’t open up about my situation, except to very few trusted people. But those few trusted people have been amazingly supportive to me and my sons. Plus, since opening up, I’ve learned I’m not the only one going through this type of situation. There’s a crisis with marriages, and with men (and some women) remaining faithful and committed through the long haul. I didn’t realize the depth of the crisis until I opened up.

Grief takes time

You cannot rush it. You don't get over grief, you get through it. The Bible reminds us there’s a time and a season for everything, including grief. Let’s not rush ourselves through it. And let’s not rush others through it, either.

May we all heal in the time and space we need, and may we all draw closer to God through our grief.

If you’ve experienced any kind of sorrow, or loss, or if you’re grieving for any reason, I highly recommend you listen to Rick Warren’s whole series about sorrow.

Are you grieving? Would you like to talk to me personally? If so, leave a comment and I’ll send you my direct email address.

Until next time...

How about a little justice?

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What would sweet revenge feel like? Wouldn’t it be nice if the person who inflicted such pain on you went through the same pain? How much justice is too much? Too little? Just right?

After my husband walked out on us, I spent too much time imagining justice. Even during prayer, I offered God ideas of how to exact revenge. As if He needed my cleverly laid plans.

I read a great post by Max Lucado on Devotionals Daily entitled, Forgiveness and Entrusting Justice to God. If you’ve ever been hurt by someone (haven’t we all?) I highly recommend you read the whole post. In it, Lucado reminds us that God moves us forward by healing our past.

Lucado read my mind about God and healing when he asked, “Can He really? This seething disgust I feel every time I think of the one who treated me like yesterday’s trash?”

That’s how I used to feel. Like yesterday’s trash--forgotten, rejected, worthless. Thankfully I no longer feel that way. But that’s another topic for another post.

Lucado tells the story of Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers. Joseph’s story was ripe with opportunity to exact revenge, but he didn’t. He left that for God to handle.

Lucado quotes scriptures to remind my revenge-seeking soul to simmer down.

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. (Ephesians 4:31)

As Christ forgave you, so you also must do. (Colossians 3:13)

How do I reconcile betrayal, rejection, and anger with God’s command to forgive? As Lucado asks, “Isn’t some vengeance in order?” He says, “Of course it is. In fact, God cares more about justice than we do.” He’s right when he says, “We fear the evildoer will slip into the night, unknown and unpunished.” But he reminds us, “Not to worry. Scripture says God will repay, not that He might repay.”

It’s not my job to seek revenge, or to create feeble plots for justice. My job is to take the hurt, anger, confusion, and all the other junk and humbly give it to God, trusting Him to make something beautiful out of it. Knowing this truth brings me so much peace.

Max Lucado wraps it all up with this statement:

“Unlike us, God never gives up on a person. Never. Long after we have moved on, God is still there, probing the conscience, stirring conviction, always orchestrating redemption. Fix your enemies? That’s God’s job. Forgive your enemies? Ah, that’s where you and I come in. We forgive.”

OMG this is sooo hard! Not only did my husband betray me, reject me, and break every marriage vow, he crushed my children. It’s one thing to hurt me. But my kids? How do I forgive such a thing? 

I can’t do it in my own power, that’s for sure. I struggle with this and pray about it daily. Lucado writes, “When it comes to forgiveness, all of us are beginners. No one owns a secret formula. As long as you are trying to forgive, you are forgiving. It’s when you no longer try that bitterness sets in.”

I choose not to be bitter. I choose not to seek justice or revenge. Instead, I choose to allow these circumstances to make me better, stronger. And I choose to give it to God and let Him handle it in His way and in His timing.

How about you? Do you wish for revenge? Justice? Is it difficult for you to forgive?

Until next time...

Be Kind? Are You Serious?

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Confession: there have been times when I’ve been nasty and rude to my husband. Especially after he left me and our three teenage sons two years ago. When I’m hurt, I come out swinging.

I used to be easily offended, angered, and made bitter. Perhaps you’d look at my situation and say, “I don’t blame her. Look at what he did to her and her kids!” And to be honest, I sometimes feel a certain satisfaction in that.

I’m not innocent, I'm not perfect. I’m normal.

Soon after I invited God into my circumstances, I learned of this scripture: “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” Luke 6:28 (NLT)

Bless him? Pray for him? God, are you serious? You expect me to be kind to him in the midst of all the wreckage he’s left behind?

*Sigh* Yep.

Notice I didn’t say, “Accept what he did as ok,” or, “Stand in line to get trampled on again,” or “Trust him.” Nope, none of that.

Let me clear up a couple of things. Yes, God asks us to bless those who curse us, and pray for those who hurt us. It’s a way of following Jesus’ example. But you know what else? He asks us to do it because it brings us peace. I’ve learned that when God asks us to do something difficult, like be kind to someone who’s deeply hurting us, it’s not because he’s a cosmic meanie who’s trying make us crazy. It’s because He loves us deeply and knows what’s best for us.

Does God love you? Yep.

Does God love the person who’s causing you so much pain? Yep.

Here are some truths I’ve learned:

• Hurting people hurt people.
• The person who’s hurting you can reject you, but he can’t reject your prayer.
• Holding a grudge against someone hurts you more than the other person.
• Praying for your person can bring you peace.

I may sound like a completely crazy person, and believe me, sometimes I feel like I am. But I’ll share with you what I now do. And I definitely do not have 100% accuracy with this, lest I sound like I’m wonderfully spiritual.

When a negative, angry, or judgemental thought comes into my mind about him, I turn it around. I bless him and pray for him. Is it difficult? Yes. Do I sometimes neglect to do this, and instead marinate in anger? Yes. Remember that part about me not being perfect?

I invite you to try it. Whenever a negative, angry, or judgemental thought comes into your mind about your person, turn it around. Pray for your person. Pray for healing in their mind, heart, and soul. Ask for them to be blessed. If you try this, I’d love to hear how it makes you feel.

If you need help with what to pray, Kimberly Wagner wrote a great post about How to Pray for Your Man.

Until next time...

SaveSave

Don't Try to Figure it Out

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I was praying, asking God to give me something, anything, that would calm my overactive and confused mind. I mean, seriously, what happened to my life? What happened to the future I thought I’d have with my husband? How in the world did I end up here?

God spoke to me with an impression on my heart. What He said had such a profound affect on me I immediately grabbed my phone and wrote this note:

Eyes on Jesus

Trust Him

Don’t try to figure it out

Those three instructions reminded me of something I’d read in Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of the Mind.” If you haven’t yet read that book, I highly recommend it. Honestly, that book helped me leap over some major hurdles in the beginning of this journey. I still refer to the dog-eared and highlighted pages.

Joyce Meyer tackles this subject with the famous verse from Proverbs 3:5, Lean on, trust in, and be confident of the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

She goes on to say:

In other words, do not rely on reasoning. Reasoning opens the door for deception and brings much confusion.

I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, “Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused.” I have found it to be absolutely true. Reasoning and confusion go together.

You and I can ponder a thing in our heart, we can hold it before the Lord and see if He desires to give us understanding, but the minute we start feeling confused, we have gone too far.

Her words were difficult for me to absorb at first. You see, I’m always trying to figure things out. When my husband walked out on me, I spent so much time trying to figure out why? What in the world would make a man do such a thing? Was I cruel? No. Was I a monster? No. Was I hideous? No. Why? Why? Why? I even stopped seeing a certain counselor because she kept asking me, Why? As if I had a clue.

After pondering the words in the book, I actually felt something strange: relief. I was relieved that I didn’t have to try to figure it out. I didn’t have to keep digging and digging until the whole mess made sense. There was no way it would ever make sense to me, and trying to make sense out of the non-sensical caused me a lot of grief and frustration.

This verse is also a good reminder: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8 (ESV) And this one: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33 (ESV)

Whatever your situation, wherever you are in your relationship, there may be something much bigger at play. My advice to you is to practice what God placed in my heart: Eyes on Jesus, trust Him, and don’t try to figure it out.

Until next time...

The Invitation

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I’ve always been rather quiet and private about my faith. It’s not that it was a big secret, it’s just that it wasn’t on the top of my “share with everyone” list. I grew up going to church, but drifted away in my later teen years. It wasn’t a conscious thing--it was simply a matter of magnifying other things and people.

That quickly changed two years ago when my husband--who I’ve been with since I was 15 years old--left me. My world was completely rocked. It’s still rocked, to be honest. If you’ve been through this, you know the deep, gut-wrenching wounds I’ve experienced. If you’re going through this now, I understand your pain. 

I was desperately searching for answers. I’m an avid reader and writer, so I gravitated to what comes naturally to me: reading, writing, and research. I began listening to podcasts that poured goodness and hope into my wounded soul. My faith, which had been on the backburner for decades, moved to the front.

This started happening while I listened to a podcast featuring Kimberly and LeRoy Wagner, who were sharing their marriage miracle story. For someone like me, who was so deeply wounded and searching for answers, it was a balm for my soul. I ordered Kimberly’s book, Fierce Women, and read through it in a couple of days. Their marriage miracle, Kimberly’s book, and her blog, were the seeds planted in my heart that began my spiritual journey.

I don’t know what your faith life is like. Perhaps you’ve been so disgusted by faith, and people of faith, that you’ve automatically tuned out this blog post. Or maybe you’re like me; you’ve grown up with faith, but let other things and people take its place. Maybe you’ve had that “something is missing in my life” feeling, but can’t pinpoint the cause. Or maybe you’re on the fence about faith, and don’t know what it’s all about. No matter where you are on this spectrum, I ask you to do this one simple thing: invite God into your circumstances.

Pray. Invite God in. If you’re the first responder who’s thinking of walking out on your family, pray. If you’re married to a first responder and you’re fed up with being alone and second in line to the job, pray. If your marriage is unraveling, and you’re powerless to stop it, pray. If your spouse is cheating on you, pray. If you’re the adulterer, pray. No matter where you are and what your role is in the status of your relationship, pray.

For me, healing began once I invited God into my circumstances. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m nowhere close to where I used to be. It’s a journey, but it all begins with an invitation. It could be simple words like this, “God, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t understand why I’m going through this pain. But in the midst of this chaos and turmoil, I’m inviting you in. Please help me.”

I truly hope you’ll invite God in. Right now.

Until next time...