Are you full of it?

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Most people love like this:

I need love. I need happiness. I need to feel accepted, approved, and fulfilled. It is your job, spouse, to make me feel all those wonderful things. When you do not succeed in making me feel all those things, it is your fault. You have come up short. I must now move on in my quest to find that one person--the one person who will fill me.

That's the way I loved. That's the way my husband loved. We've been a couple since we were teenagers, growing up and figuring out life together. At one time it seemed our bond was unbreakable. But with expectations like the ones listed above, who or what can withstand that kind of burden?

Most relationships cannot.

I read a great post entitled Living Loved. I truly hope each of you will read the entire article. It's a powerful reminder that no one--NO ONE--can fully fill and complete another person. 

I've read about a study that declared the most a spouse can meet their spouse's needs is 80%. They'll become frustrated because their husband or wife isn't meeting 100% of their needs, so they have an affair and/or leave that person in search for someone else who can then meet all their needs. But once again, they'll soon discover that the new person can only meet 80% of their needs. And on and on it goes--searching for 100% fulfillment from another person, only to be continuously disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Lysa TerKeurst, author of the linked article, writes this:

I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen.

I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain. Because here’s the thing. People don’t mind doing CPR on a crisis victim, but no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.

No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need. Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It’s saying, “My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.” This will never set a relationship up for success.

Here’s the secret shift we must make:

Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?

Or…

Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?

I've done this the wrong way. My guess is that most of us have. But my hope and prayer is that we can all find fullness from God's love for us, instead of desperately searching for it from someone else.

He fills us to overflowing with love by faith. Then we pour that love and blessing onto others.

Until next time...

What's The Point?

 

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It wasn't until later in my difficult season that I was awakened to the idea that there might be a point to what I've gone through. Some of my favorite sayings have become:

"Nothing is wasted."

"Your mess becomes your message."

"Your test can become your testimony."

It's difficult to see this when we're in the midst of deep sorrow. Confusion is a mighty enemy that can drag us down, down, down, until we spend most of our time wondering, What the heck just happened?

Joyce Meyer has an amazing story. As a child, she was sexually abused by her father. This went on for years and years. Her mom, even though she knew about it, didn't help. I can't imagine what that was like. If you haven't yet heard her story, you can listen to it here. It's disturbing, it's painful to hear, and it's powerful.

I listened to another one of her messages, Unshakeable Trust, Part 2. In this message she refers to her painful childhood, and how confused she'd been for so many years. Later she had this epiphany (I'll paraphrase): What if the reason I went through such trials was because some day I'd need to be bold enough to speak out about such horror? What if it was up to me to encourage other victims of sexual abuse? What if that painful season in my life was so I could later use it to help others?

Over the Christmas holiday, my sons and I took a Hawaiian cruise that was meant to include our whole family. Despite the turmoil in our lives, we enjoyed it. Heck, it was paid for. Might as well have fun!

While on that cruise, I came into contact with some amazing people. I connected with a fire chief who knows my husband and was deeply shocked and saddened by what had happened (my son confided in him). We also met a family where the father had experienced something similar in his young life. His dad walked out on their family, leaving his mom to pick up the pieces. 

I lay in bed one morning during that trip, thinking about how frustrating it was to see families destroyed by one person's destructive decisions. It didn't make sense to me. I thought of ways I could connect with the fire chief and go from fire station to fire station, sharing my story and how it's impacted our family. I'd encourage every firefighter to stay, figure it out, get help. Don't leave your family! Don't take what seems like the easy way out.

But then another idea came to me. What if I could speak to first responders and their families through a blog? I like to write, I have a passion about the subject, and I was slowly finding my voice. That's how this blog was born.

How many people are reading it? How many people has it helped? I don't check statistics, but I do hear stories. Before launching the blog, I prayed that the right people would find it at the right time. It'll always be here for anyone who needs it.

I still don't understand what's happened to us, and I still struggle with truckloads of negative emotions. But I've also done a lot of soul-searching and healing. My spiritual journey has been amazingly beautiful.

Whatever it is we go through in life, if we can look at it through the lens of "Nothing is wasted," "My mess can become my message," and "My test can become my testimony," we can see that something bigger is at play here.

What is that for you? What is that for me? I don't know for sure. But if our hearts are open to the possibility, we can see that oftentimes our struggles can be training ground for something powerful.

Until next time...

Call On Your Warriors

(photo credit--click here to participate in this lovely prayer chain)

I crumpled on the cool bathroom tiles, crying. I'd learned something deeply painful about my husband and my sons. I was away from home and had zero control over the situation.

I cried out to God, asking Him to help, to intercede, to speak to the hearts of those involved. But my prayers felt so weak and insignificant. I, too, felt weak and insignificant.

And alone. But like I mentioned in last week's post, I am never alone.

Normally in these moments of struggle, I kneel in prayer in a quiet room by myself. It's between me and God. But this time, I felt a strong need to reach out to others for prayer. I listened to that need and immediately reached out.

I connected with my life group ladies, my sisters, and other prayer-warrior friends. I gave them a brief summary of why I was struggling, and asked for prayer.

Then I felt it...the love, the strength, the courage, the peace. It rolled over me in a tidal wave of goodness. 

All of that prayer may not have changed the situation, but it changed me. 

When we're struggling, it's natural to close up and be tempted to handle everything on our own. It's sort of a self-preservation thing. I can handle this. No one else needs to know how broken I feel.

Perhaps that's true some of the time. It's not healthy to be in constant struggle, or daily pouring out our business to other people. 

But there are moments when we're in deep need of prayer by others. It's o.k. to not have it all together all the time, and it's o.k. for others to know, Hey, I'm on the edge here. I'm sending out an SOS.

You may be feeling lost, scared, confused, bitter, broken, and powerless. You may cry in the middle of the night, and wake with a heaviness you can't seem to shake. You may feel afraid to reach out, because then someone will know that all is not right with you. I understand those feelings.

Let me encourage you to reach out to someone you trust--a close friend, a family member, a local church (even if you don't attend). There are multiple ministries that have websites and phone lines where you can ask for prayer. Here are the links for Trinity Broadcasting Network, Joel Osteen and Rick Warren's Daily Hope.

Finally, I am always here for you. I'd consider it an honor to pray for you. Each comment on this blog is monitored and published by me and me only. I approve comments before they appear in the comments section below. Simply leave a comment asking for prayer. I'll read it, pray over you continually, and then not publish the comment. No one will know except you and me.

We all need people in our lives who've got our back, and who we can turn to in times of trial. You'd want to know if someone you cared about was struggling, right? Well, the people close to you would want to know you're in deep need. Let them help you. Let them pray over you. Then let the flood of those prayers give you the peace you seek.

Until next time...

You Are Not Alone

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I'll never forget the moment. It was shortly after my husband had left our home. I was still reeling from shock, anger, bitterness, and insecurity. 

My sons and I attended church together that morning. Even though I was surrounded by people, and even though my sons book-ended me with loving protection despite their own pain, I felt so alone.

As the worship team began singing the following words, an overwhelming feeling of love washed over me. I wept, and wept, and wept right there in church.

Every single word in these lyrics spoke to me. This is me. This is my life. And I am not alone. 

If you're going through a difficult season in your life and you're feeling all alone, I urge you to listen to this song. 

Close your eyes. Savor every single reassuring word. Let the message comfort you. Then listen to it again.

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

Until next time...

Fear Not

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Fear and worry sometimes come at me like a flash flood--an enormous wall of water with branches, rocks, and debris threatening to knock me off my feet and drown me. 

It may sound dark and melodramatic to the person who's never experienced this type of season in their lives. But if you've been through a painful season like this--or if you're in it now--you know exactly what I'm talking about. 

This morning I woke with heavy feelings of fear. That wall of water was barreling toward me, gaining momentum with every passing thought. 

Fear and worry are formidable enemies that threaten to take me down every single day.

How do we overcome fear? With faith. There's no other way. I truly don't know how people go through dark seasons in their lives without it.

As fearful thoughts raced through my head, I was reminded to ground myself back in my faith. To look up for my answers, not at my circumstances, because my circumstances appear bleak and can be all-consuming.

So, I opened up my devotionals and apps that I usually read to inspire me and strengthen me. And here's what I saw:

It was a clear message: Do not fear!

If you're going through a painful season, or if you're filled with fear and worry, I encourage you to read these over and over again. Line by line. Word by word. God provides rest for the weary. He is our refuge in a storm. He wants us to fear not.

Until next time...

Fighting Against? Or Fighting For?

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In his message, "The Winning Hand," Steven Furtick asks an interesting question: Are you fighting against what you should be fighting for?

He digs deep into the story of David--you know, the David, of David and Goliath fame. After his victory against Goliath, but before he became king, the current king--Saul--became jealous, angry, and bitter, and tried to kill David.

I like to think of myself as David in the David and Goliath story. Little 'ole me up against a mighty warrior. I gather the courage to load the smooth stone into the slingshot, take aim, and slay a giant. Awesome visual, right? 

I do see some of David in me. But after listening to this message, I also see in me some of King Saul. He's tormented. He's frustrated. He's trying to control what he can no longer control. He's fighting against David--the person he should be fighting for. 

In the waning days of my marriage, everything was out of my control. I tried to control my husband. I tried to sway his opinion. I tried to soften his hardened heart. I tried and tried and tried, but I was powerless. 

Have you ever been powerless? It's an awful feeling. 

But it can also be liberating. I don't carry daily guilt about what's happened. I forgave myself a long time ago. I can own my share in the problems, while also recognizing that so much of it was way out of my control. 

Joyce Meyer has a great saying when things are beyond our control: "Say your prayers and cast your cares." It's only when you've lost all semblance of control that you realize you were never in control in the first place. 

Are you fighting against your spouse, when you should be fighting for them? Do you see them as the source of your unhappiness, or do you recognize that you're responsible for your own happiness?

We can't control the "enemies" in our lives. Sure, we can try. I tried manipulating my "enemy" without success. 

Here's the thing: my husband was never my enemy. 

(Note: there are moments when it seems he's my only enemy...trust me, there's a tug of war constantly within me about this).

Likewise, your spouse is not your enemy. Never has been, never will be. Your spouse is your partner in life. He/she has been connected to you by God for a reason. Don't fight against your spouse and your marriage--fight for your spouse. Fight for your marriage. 

If I could do it again, I'd worry less about the little things. I'd focus more on making myself a better person, instead of blaming my husband for not being the person he should be. I'd praise him more, not as a form of manipulation or control, but out of grace and mercy. I'd look for the good in him, rather than stewing over everything he's done wrong. (This is also a constant tug of war within me). 

We're all works in progress, folks. Me, you, your spouse, your children. 

Whenever feelings of anger or insecurity or frustration sneak into your mind, perhaps ask the powerful question Steven Furtick asks: are you fighting against what you should be fighting for?

Until next time...

The Secret of Love

You probably read the title of this post and thought, "Really? You, of all people, are going to write about the secret of love?"

I thought exactly the same thing. What do I know? Look at my life. Look at my marriage. I'm the least qualified person to write about this subject.

Here's how it went down: as I prepared to go on a walk, I flipped through the podcasts I hadn't yet listened to. My heart kept being drawn to a three-part series by Rick Warren called "The Secrets of Lasting Love." I scrolled past it again and again, and yet I kept coming back to it. Why listen to this, I asked God. It just torments me. But I have this blog, and so I listened to all three parts in hopes that I could simply be the messenger about how to create a love that lasts. I figured I'd take one for the team, so I jotted down notes.

Midway through the third message, I was in tears. I realized this wasn't about me simply being a messenger. This message was for me. It's for you. It's for anyone who wants to love well. It's for the married couple that's happy, and it's for the marriage that's headed for divorce. It's for engaged couples ready to make the sacred promise to each other. It's for parents who want to love their children well, and for friends who feel betrayed.

But the main focus is marriage. Here are some sad statistics about marriage:

Divorce rates for 1st marriages = 41%
Divorce rates for 2nd marriages = 60%
Divorce rates for 3rd marriages = 73%

Ask any couple who's been married a long time and chances are they'll all say they've climbed some rugged mountains. No marriage is perfect! Many felt like giving up. Leaving. Pulling the lever on the magical escape hatch: divorce.

I'll share some of my notes from Rick Warren's messages, but I highly, highly recommend you listen to all three parts. I promise, you'll be inspired. 

The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 1
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 2
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 3

I'll summarize some of Warren's words:

Lasting love never stops being patient
Love extends grace. It forgives. We ourselves want mercy, grace, and forgiveness, right? Why not give it to others? Let's not burn the very bridge we will need ourselves.

Lasting love never stops believing
Love expresses faith. It tells the person you love that you believe in them. You trust them. Can't trust your husband? Can't trust your wife? Then trust God. He knows what He's doing, and He can do in the other person what we can't.

Lasting love never stops hoping
Love expects the best. It's optimistic. It's forward-looking, not focused on the past.

Lasting love never gives up
Love endures the worst. It's persistent, resolute. One of the biggest secrets of lasting love is this: stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go.

In his years of counseling marriages, Rick Warren says most marriages could be saved with these two words: grow up. Set aside pride, ego, and selfishness.

Two things he said struck me like a blow to the gut:

1) "Guys, you want your wives to treat you like a king? Then treat her like a queen."
2) "What kills marriages? Neglect."

The true secret to lasting love is letting God's love flow through you to the other person. Human love wears out. His love does not.

Until next time...