The Secret of Love

You probably read the title of this post and thought, "Really? You, of all people, are going to write about the secret of love?"

I thought exactly the same thing. What do I know? Look at my life. Look at my marriage. I'm the least qualified person to write about this subject.

Here's how it went down: as I prepared to go on a walk, I flipped through the podcasts I hadn't yet listened to. My heart kept being drawn to a three-part series by Rick Warren called "The Secrets of Lasting Love." I scrolled past it again and again, and yet I kept coming back to it. Why listen to this, I asked God. It just torments me. But I have this blog, and so I listened to all three parts in hopes that I could simply be the messenger about how to create a love that lasts. I figured I'd take one for the team, so I jotted down notes.

Midway through the third message, I was in tears. I realized this wasn't about me simply being a messenger. This message was for me. It's for you. It's for anyone who wants to love well. It's for the married couple that's happy, and it's for the marriage that's headed for divorce. It's for engaged couples ready to make the sacred promise to each other. It's for parents who want to love their children well, and for friends who feel betrayed.

But the main focus is marriage. Here are some sad statistics about marriage:

Divorce rates for 1st marriages = 41%
Divorce rates for 2nd marriages = 60%
Divorce rates for 3rd marriages = 73%

Ask any couple who's been married a long time and chances are they'll all say they've climbed some rugged mountains. No marriage is perfect! Many felt like giving up. Leaving. Pulling the lever on the magical escape hatch: divorce.

I'll share some of my notes from Rick Warren's messages, but I highly, highly recommend you listen to all three parts. I promise, you'll be inspired. 

The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 1
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 2
The Secrets of Lasting Love, Part 3

I'll summarize some of Warren's words:

Lasting love never stops being patient
Love extends grace. It forgives. We ourselves want mercy, grace, and forgiveness, right? Why not give it to others? Let's not burn the very bridge we will need ourselves.

Lasting love never stops believing
Love expresses faith. It tells the person you love that you believe in them. You trust them. Can't trust your husband? Can't trust your wife? Then trust God. He knows what He's doing, and He can do in the other person what we can't.

Lasting love never stops hoping
Love expects the best. It's optimistic. It's forward-looking, not focused on the past.

Lasting love never gives up
Love endures the worst. It's persistent, resolute. One of the biggest secrets of lasting love is this: stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go.

In his years of counseling marriages, Rick Warren says most marriages could be saved with these two words: grow up. Set aside pride, ego, and selfishness.

Two things he said struck me like a blow to the gut:

1) "Guys, you want your wives to treat you like a king? Then treat her like a queen."
2) "What kills marriages? Neglect."

The true secret to lasting love is letting God's love flow through you to the other person. Human love wears out. His love does not.

Until next time...

Just Keep Swimming

(photo credit)

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -- Nelson Mandela

There have been times in the past couple of years when I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I'd wake with a heaviness on my heart that was seemingly impossible to bear. Immediately my mind filled with all that was wrong in my world, and all that was ahead of me. Soon the despair was difficult to shake. 

On those days, it helped tremendously that I was raising three sons. I couldn't simply waste the day away. The boys had to be cared for, loved, and given attention. Permission slips needed to be signed, classes chosen for the next semester, etc. I had to keep moving.

There's a scene in the film, "Finding Nemo" when Nemo's dad thinks all is lost. Dory encourages him by singing, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." Those three words have become an anthem of sorts...instructions on what to do when we don't know what to do.

As we go through trials, sometimes all we can do is simply put one foot in front of the other. Move. Do something. Anything. 

I'm reading Joyce Meyer's book "Get Your Hopes Up." She likes to call it her happy book.

She points out that when people are hurt and frightened, they become passive. They freeze, and stop moving. That absolutely describes me in the early days of this hurtful season in my life.

Meyer says this: "If you've dealt with a hurt that has you frozen in your tracks, I'm not making light of your pain. Trust me; I've gone through plenty of trying times that have hurt so badly I felt like I couldn't keep going. I understand what you're going through, because I too have felt paralyzed by a hardship. But I do want to encourage you in the midst of your pain that sometimes the very best thing you can do is just keep moving.

You may not have all the answers yet. You may still be shocked by the circumstances. You may even feel like the world is caving in around you. But in the midst of those difficulties, if you'll just keep moving, it will help you not to become hopeless."

Hope. It's impossible to live without it. During times of trouble, if we remain hopeful about what's ahead, it'll help get us through trials. 

If you're in the midst of your own struggle, I want to encourage you to just keep swimming. Move forward. Take steps of faith, even if they're small and wear you out. Even if the one thing you do today is not give up hope, that's something. 

Take these words from Joyce Meyer's book to heart: "If you're not walking, you have no hope of arriving somewhere new."

Until next time...

Scars Tell Stories

(photo credit)

There's a story behind every scar. 

An enthusiastic football player might excitedly tell the story about how he got that cleat-shaped scar on his shin...how he rushed those extra yards and made the touchdown, despite the punctured skin. 

The ex-con might be less enthused to tell the story of how he got that silver scar across his cheek. 

My life group friend is a Purple Heart recipient. His scars tell a story of uncommon bravery and perseverance.

Battles leave scars. Sometimes visible, sometimes invisible. Battles also change our identities.

The Bible tells the story of Jacob, and how after his wrestling match with God, his name was changed to Israel. After Saul of Tarsus encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus, he became the Apostle Paul. 

My season of difficulty has changed me. It's humbled me. It's softened me. It's changed my outlook, my priorities, and my walk with God. It's changed my sons. It's altered our life courses in ways I never imagined. 

I can finally write about my struggles, but I still can't talk openly about them in person. They're too raw and painful. But my struggles are leaving scars that can become beautiful.

Just as the breast cancer survivor can point to her purple scar and say, "See? I'm a fighter and an overcomer. Let me help you through your battle." The wounded warrior can point to his jagged scars and say, "I survived. I made a difference. You, fellow warrior, made a difference, too." That's beautiful. 

The wounds in our hearts and in our minds may take longer than the physical wounds to heal. And perhaps they never completely go away. They leave scars. But those scars tell stories. And in the telling of our stories, hopefully we can inspire and encourage others. 

Throughout my trials, God has transformed me into a fighter, a worshiper, a forgiver. He's given me the quiet confidence that He's got my back, and that my scars are here for a reason. 

This blog tells the story of my scars. The ugly scars, the bumpy scars, the embarrassing scars, and the beautiful scars. 

Whatever scars you've developed in your trials, I want you to know you're beautiful. Just the way you are. Ultimately, you'll use those scars to help others. Because that's how it works. Those who've gone forth in battle help those who come behind.

Until next time...

Fakebook

(photo credit)

We've all scrolled through Facebook, right? Down the screen comes endless photos of loving marriages, soon-to-be-professional-athlete kids, and Go-pro worthy vacations. Heck, even the desserts look perfect. Each touched up, strategically lit photo screams at those of us who are hurting, "Those people are perfect, you're not. They've got it all together, you don't."

Is that reality? I used to think so, but now I know better. Despite the smiling Facebook veneers, I know of marriages that are desperate, kids who are struggling, and finances that are on the brink. But if you were to only look at what you see, you'd think there isn't a single, struggling family in your circle of "friends."

I used to love Facebook, and I even posted from time to time. But as my marriage drifted further and further into a dark place, Facebook depressed me. As my husband worked more and more overtime to avoid home, there was that happy couple on another weekend getaway together, smiling in a selfie. As my husband blamed me for his unhappiness, that husband bought his wife another bouquet of flowers. Seeing those images again and again poisoned my heart and drew me deeper into despair.

Facebook can be a positive place to share good news and inspiration. It can also be a dangerous place.

Imagine the neglected husband or wife scrolling through Facebook. They see a post by a former high school flame. In a moment of weakness, they click on that person's profile. They go deep on the photos, and see how perfect that former flame's life has been. Aren't they a wonderful person now? So much better than the current spouse. They click. They send a message. The other person responds. They plan to meet, just to catch up. And soon, an affair begins. It happens all the time.

To be honest, I've considered it. Wouldn't a revenge affair be awesome? Wouldn't that heal my wounded soul, and remind me that I'm valuable? Loved? That I'm not a freakish monster? Thankfully, I never walked that path. But I've been desperate for love and attention, and desperate people do desperate things.

I'm not anti-Facebook. I'm in the "be careful of Facebook" camp. Be careful what you share. Be careful who you connect with. Be careful of how you receive those images. And remember: behind every smiling face is a story. Sometimes that story is full of pain, loss, denial, desperation, envy, rejection, and heartbreak. Everyone is dealing with something, even if it doesn't seem like it.

My nephew calls Facebook "Fakebook." And isn't that the reality?

Until next time...

Letting Go

(our view)

In December of 1994, my husband and I bought 7.5 acres of rugged, wild land in northern Los Angeles county. There wasn't a spec of water, electricity or gas attached to the property. What stands here today was brought in by us, built by us, nurtured by us. A week before our oldest son was born, the foundation was poured, and we etched our names and date into the soft concrete.

And now, we prepare to list it for sale. We've known this moment was coming, but still, that doesn't make it easier. This is the only home our sons have ever known. So many memories have been made here...birthday parties, family gatherings, end-of-school swim parties. The boys and I have laid on the driveway at night and stared up at the clear, starry sky countless times. It's a special place.

It's also well known in our small community. When my sons participated in Every 15 Minutes, there was an audible gasp in the auditorium when the camera panned our home. Most of the teenagers in that room had knocked on our front door, played tag on that wide expanse of grass, laughed at that kitchen table.

We've planted roots here. Deep roots. It breaks my heart to see my husband so detached from our marriage, our family, and the home we built with our own hands. And yet, here we are.

I'm focusing on this truth: the memories made in our home were not because of the house itself. Special memories were made here because of the people. Wherever we go, we'll take that with us--the tightly bonded family, the ever-present friends, the games we'll play around the kitchen table.

As the boys and I prepare for this next season, our hearts are heavy but hopeful. Heavy for what we're letting go. Hopeful because we know God is directing our path, and guiding us with wisdom. 

Buying this land was a blessing. Building our home was a blessing. Raising our sons here was a blessing. I'm so thankful I recognized that while we've been here. I've been grateful for this lovely home all along.

As we venture forth into a new frontier, the boys and I know we're not alone. If you're the praying kind, I humbly ask that you keep us in your prayers.

Until next time...

Oops?

My oldest son and his friend were driving along a local freeway, when they passed a billboard for a divorce attorney that read, "OOPS!" In a nutshell, if your marriage was a big mistake, call us and we'll quickly sweep that nasty mistake out of your life.

My son told his friend, "I hate that billboard." She asked him why and he said, "Because they're making light of something that destroys people's lives." And then he wept.

Wow.

Such honest thoughts and emotions from a tender-hearted young man. His words make me wish I could grip the shoulders of every single person out there who's contemplating divorce--the husband or wife who's asking themselves these questions:

"What will make me happy?"
"What do I need?"
"How do I improve my future?"

Me. Me. Me. 
Mine. Mine. Mine. 
I. I. I. 
So much focus on self.

I wish I could shake that same person's shoulders and encourage them to ask the following instead:

"How can I make someone else happy?"
"What can I do to improve this marriage?"
"How can I be a better husband/wife and father/mother?"
"What's the right thing to do for my family?"

Yes, people survive divorce. Spouses survive it and children survive it. But it changes them forever. It leaves deep and lasting scars that could've been avoided if the married couple didn't have the attitude of, "Oops!" followed quickly by, "Next!"

I'm not suggesting that couples stay together just for the kids, or that an abused spouse stay in a dangerous situation. What I'm suggesting is that you seek help. Find answers. Search your own soul. Think about the other people in your family more than you think about yourself. Don't think that pulling the escape hatch on this "oops" will slip quietly into the night without collateral damage.

Marriage is a solemn promise, a covenant between you and your spouse before God, family and friends. "Oops" in marriage isn't the same as buying the wrong car, or choosing the wrong melon in the produce section.

If you're the person contemplating divorce, if you're the one who's committing adultery, if you're the one who's checked out of the marriage, I urge you to stop. Just stop! Think about what you're doing, and who you're doing it to. If you have children, think for a moment about them and what they need, and not just about you and what you need.

Until next time...

Forgiven

(photo credit)

If I were to list my biggest struggles, forgiveness would rank high. It wasn't until I was deep into this paralyzing season of my life that I realized I was harboring a whole lot of unforgiveness.

Rick Warren did a series entitled "The Amazing Power of Forgiveness." In that series, he points out that forgiveness doesn't excuse the other person's behavior, nor does it force us to trust that person who's hurt us. Besides, forgiveness isn't for the other person. It's for us. Forgiveness enables us to release bitterness and soften a hardened heart.

As the image above suggests, the person who refuses to forgive is the prisoner. The other person may have moved on and doesn't even care if you do or don't forgive.

One of Warren's suggestions is to grab a pad of paper and a pen, and isolate yourself somewhere quiet. Write at the top of the paper 1 John 1:9, which says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Humbly pray with an open heart, asking God to bring to mind anything and everything that needs to be forgiven. Then ask God for forgiveness. If there's a person who's been wronged on that list, if possible reach out to them and ask for forgiveness. Finally, tear the paper up, knowing you've been forgiven.

That's it!

I did this exercise, and believe me, it was powerful. It was also quite liberating. Three pages later, I was finally done. I'd been forgiven. Now when things pop up that I know I've done wrong, I immediately ask for forgiveness, and then I accept it with gratitude. My slate, and my conscience, are clean.

Soon after my husband left, I read a book about marriage (I can't remember which one) that suggested I acknowledge my part in the failed marriage. My natural inclination was to blame my husband for everything. So it wasn't easy, but I did it. I made a list of areas where I knew I was wrong, and went to my husband and asked his forgiveness. He said he forgave me. He truly hasn't forgiven me, though, because he still brings up those ancient issues. But that's a heart issue between him and God. I can't control that.

Next came the hard part: forgiving. It's easier to ask for forgiveness and receive it than to offer it to someone who perhaps doesn't deserve it. But what I've learned is that I truly don't deserve it, either. But still, God graciously gives it to me. And so I've forgiven my husband every day, even though he's never asked for it. Not even once.

What I've noticed is that I'm not carrying bitterness around with me anymore, like a heavy backpack full of jagged rocks. 

Your person may not ask for forgiveness. They may not deserve it. And you most definitely won't feel like giving it. But carrying around all that unforgiveness is a burden we aren't meant to carry.

Ask for forgiveness, forgive your person, and then let it go. You'll be glad you did.

Until next time...